...to get to me lately. Every time I hear the radio I hear Him speaking, but I let it flow in one ear and out the other, like a rebellious, apathetic child.
This morning, I was running late, having spent too much time primping, and I was thinking about how fabulous I looked and how I was going to blog about it and make some silly quip about being ready for a date night with...oh, with nobody, right. And God reached out, caught me by the arm, and said, "Wait a minute, Carolyn. Just sit here and listen for a moment."
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands, at my side
They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life.
My heart's been struggling immensely the past couple of weeks, feeling distant from friends both physically and emotionally. I'm far away, and, what's more, it seems that all my best friends are either finding love (or mutual like) or taking it to a new level. They're preoccupied, and I'm further away than my distance would lead us to suspect.
I know that I've had my own chances in the past couple of years. I realize that I had two relationships in two years, both of which I somehow screwed up. It's only been a year since I dated anyone. That's not much time at all. So I have no real reason to complain.
But my heart betrays my head more often than I can explain, and I've found it reigniting old feelings I thought I'd boxed up, taped up, and put deep in the closet. I've found myself dwelling on romantic possibility with someone I barely know -- and won't get to know if I don't allow a regular friendship to build.
Through it all, God's been whispering, "Carolyn, I'm here. Carolyn, I love you. Carolyn, come to me first. Carolyn, focus your energy and your hurts and your desires on me. Carolyn, I'm waiting even when he isn't. Carolyn, spend time with me."
I just want to go to the beach with my Bible and my journal and spend the day there.
I can't. I'm at work, and posting this when I should be posting community resources to our assistance network.
