I didn't know my heart could hurt like this.

Inevitable

Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now
Is it over how hey, hey, it's not over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time

Anberlin

Nobody wants a Miss Crankypants

I was reminded recently that I haven't posted on here in ages.

It's true.

It's not a good sign when two of your last four posts talk about how long it's been since you last posted.

Tonight I'm thinking.

I've spent my whole life stubborn.

Independent.

Snarky.

Sassy.

But I'm starting to realize....

It's not really working for me.

Tonight it was pointed out to me.

I hated hearing it.

I always hate hearing it.

I hate that this time, I might have lost something because of it.

Something tangible, measurable.

Snap.

It's hard to face this reality.

I'm not sure who I am without my attitude.

I've had it so long.

But it's really not working for me.

I'm finding that I'm just making people mad.

I'm hurting people.

Disrespecting people.

And then demanding their respect.

Gross.

I don't want to be Oscar the Grouch.

Nobody really liked him.

Sure, you might have had a soft spot for him.

But the dude lived in a trash can.

And had no friends.

No bueno.

I'd rather be a Care Bear.

They're sweet as pie.

And live in clouds.

Surrounded by other Care Bears.

I just looked up Care Bears on Wikipedia.

And found out that there was a Grumpy Bear.

I don't remember him.

Probably because he was grumpy.

Punk.

I'd rather be Wish Bear.

So full of hope.

And wearing a yellow raincoat.

And looking through a star-shaped telescope.

Operation: Yellow Raincoat has begun.

Matt Wertz writes good songs.

Don't Come Easy

Today is gonna be the day
I'll find the words I need to say
Cause there ain't any other way
To tell you how I'm feeling

This is where I've always turned
Retreated so I don't get burned
And now with these lessons learned
I'm ready for some healin'

So tell me that you'll be my baby

We don't have to be lonely no more
And I've never ever been this for sure
And all I'm asking please
Is that you'll stay with me
When it don't come easy

I know that you're so afraid
Cause you never gave your heart away
Surviving on a little faith
Well, keep on believin'

Slide in close to me
You can trust me with anything
You is all ya gotta be
Cause babe, I'm never leavin'

So tell me that you'll be my baby

Cause we don't have to be lonely no more
And I've never ever been this for sure
And all I'm asking please
Is that you'll stay with me
When it don't come easy

Cause we don't have to be lonely no more
And I've never ever been this for sure

Cause we don't have to be lonely no more
And I've never ever been this for sure
And all I'm asking please
Is that you'll stay with me
Even baby when I dream
That you'll be with me
When it don't come easy, yeah yeah yeah
When it don't come easy, baby, huh huh
When it don't come easy, oh no no
When it don't come easy, yeah yeah yeah

Meet George

The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul;

the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple;
the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.

Psalm 19:7-10

Hi.

My name is Carolyn.

This is my blog.

You haven't seen me around here much lately.

I've been busy.

I've thought about you a lot.

Really, I have.

I had so much to tell you.

Several times I even opened up this window.

Then paused.

And waited.

And closed it again.

Sometimes I struggle with words.

With ways to describe how I feel, and what's going on in my heart.

For the past few months, I haven't had the words.

I haven't even written in my paper journals.

I've neglected it all.

Simply because I didn't know what to say.

Tonight I want to tell you about my heart.

It's hurting.

Hurting for missed opportunities.

Hurting for relationships that simply cannot be right now.

Hurting because I'm still not the person I want to be.

To make a long story short, there was a boy.

It came about suddenly.

And just as suddenly, it went away.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

The worst part is knowing that something could be.

But knowing even more that it's not the right time.

And acting on what's best.

When it feels the worst.

Remember that movie?

How to lose a guy in 10 days?

Did it.

Didn't even need a love fern.

It might have technically been 11 days.

But who's counting?

Now that I'm back to me, I have an opportunity.

To change, to be better.

To explore the things I saw that I don't like.

One thing I want to do is return to the relationship I once had with God.

I've come a long way in six months.

My time in Galveston was hard.

And lonely.

And distant from my faith.

I did a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I hurt people.

I didn't like me one bit.

Austin has been good.

Good for my soul.

I'm back in community.

They love me, and I love them.

I'm bumbling my way back into faith.

I still screw up a lot.

But it's different now.

Still, it's not personal enough.

It's not real enough.

I want it to be real.

I want to live and breathe my faith.

I want to love you and everyone else around me because I simply can't help it.

Because I'm overflowing with it.

I want to give God my days and weeks and minutes and seconds.

Every part of my day and my life and my being.

I want to pray for people.

I've always been terrible at that.

I say that I will, and then I don't.

I want to really do it.

To be compelled toward it.

I want to live and to love, recklessly and faithfully.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;

let them ever sing for joy,

and spread your protection over them,

that those who love your name may exult in you.

Psalm 5:11