Tonight is a good night for crayons.

My mom called.

I was in the middle of doing yoga, and a little annoyed to be interrupted.

But it's my mom.

So I can't ignore it.

She had the "something's wrong" voice.

I knew it immediately.

I don't think she's aware of it.

She was all, "How're you? Deal with any mean doggies today?"

And I'm all, "What's up?"

But she's still playing it cool and chatty.

Then she tells me she's going to tell me what's going on.

I'm thinking, "Finally!"

Apparently my grandmother is having a hysterectomy.

In a week.

It's probably ovarian cancer.

Which sucks.

She didn't want to tell us.

So she waited until Thanksgiving.

She's know for a while.

She had to have known for a while.

And Madre talked to my uncle.

Who told her that she'd also had a biopsy on a lump in her breast.

About 10 years ago.

Apparently that one was fine.

My mom says this to me flippantly.

As if to say, "I just don't understand her."

But nothing more.

And I flip out.

Because for 24.75 years, I've believed we were a cancer-free family.

And come to find out, we're not.

My mom isn't a blood relative.

She wouldn't be concerned by this.

Her family is clean.

But mine apparently isn't.

I'm almost 25.

I need to know these things.

Especially given my genes.

I may have the milkman's hair color.

But I'm definitely my dad's daughter.

I'm built exactly like my grandmother.

His mother.

The one with the probably-cancer.

But she kept all this from us.

From me.

And I'm not sure what's worse.

That she's sick.

Or that I'm more upset by the fact that didn't tell us.

She didn't tell me.

I'm pretty sure that makes me a horrible human being.

Alternatives to Adulthood

 

My friend Ewart supports my refusal to grow up. 

He got me the big box of crayons. With a sharpener.

And the biggest coloring pages I've ever seen.

WIN.

Stupid Puppy

It's super warm in my apartment, which makes me just want to take a nap.

But Bennet and I went to the park today.

Not the one we normally go to, with the river.

But the other one, the actual dog park and not just off-leash dog area.

And this is what she did:

She's cute. 

But she's dumb.

Tonight I reactivated my account with eHarmony.

Yes, I have an account with eHarmony.

I made it once, at the thoughtful urging of a friend to "just try it."

And within the week deleted it.

And so today, I was thinking about it. 

And thinking about the fact that I have to go to my brother's wedding in 7 short months.

And I got back on.

Just to, you know, check it out.

And immediately deleted my account again.

I'm not sure what scares me more:

The fact that I might meet a raving lunatic.

Or the fact that I might actually meet a great guy.

But then have to tell people that we met "online."

It's not quite the black-and-white-movie romance I've dreamt of my whole life.

I want a better story than that.

(Maybe that's why I'm single.)

Ugh.

Today has been a long day.
This morning I found out that AmeriCorps hasn't processed my mileage payment, and though it was supposed to come within 8 weeks (which was today), they're not actually sure when it'll come.
I was counting on that money.
Especially given that I have two weeks off at Christmas with no holiday pay.
I was going to use that $800 check to balance out what I'm losing, while maybe picking up a few extra hours at a temp. job or two.
But now I don't have the cash in hand, and suddenly I'm not sure I can just hope to pick up hours.
I need something.

So I put in a few applications at the mall and at a nursery that's going to be selling Christmas trees.
Black Friday is a week from tomorrow.
Which means I'm already two weeks behind in this game.

Ugh.
Just ugh.

Today was good.

Today I woke up tired. But feeling good.

I went to work. The day dragged on, but it was good.

I got an email from a dear friend. It was really good.

I came home, let Bennet out, and ran back out the door to attend a Young Nonprofit Professionals networking happy hour. The southwestern eggrolls were very good (and so was the margarita).

I went straight from there to a church small group. We talked about families, and their dynamics. It was timely, and so so good.

Today was good.


After yesterday, I wanted to follow up and tell you all this. I don't know or understand why this morning I woke up with peace. Nothing really changed in my situation, though tonight, my social activities did make me feel like I was really part of something. I guess that was different. But it was the end of the day, and made no explanation for my earlier feelings.

I actually got invited to come down to Houston this Friday, and I said no. It was a potential plan posed a while back, that wasn't going to become reality because I had prior plans with my intended visitor. Maybe I'll regret this come Saturday evening, but I want to be here right now.

For the record.

Really terrible pop music is really amazing cleaning music.


Don't judge me.

Since launching Austin Bookworm and baring it to the world, I've become mildly obsessed with checking blog stats. I didn't even know blogger tracked that stuff until last week, and now I check it regularly, and get a little bit excited when the number of page views shoots up, if even for a moment.

It makes me feel a little less alone.

Ironically, one of the most-viewed posts on this blog recently has been something I wrote a little over a year ago. It was about loneliness, and if you care to inflate my stats and see what I'm talking about, you can find it here.

It's funny how much of a difference a year makes and yet not at all. I'm in an entirely different place, mentally and spiritually, than I was when I wrote that. And yet in the same token, I had just moved, was adjusting to a new home and a new community, and was feeling the pains of adulthood.

And here I am now. I just moved, I'm attempting to adjust, and I'm wincing from the growing pains associated with that. And there's more: I won't be going home for Christmas for the first time in my life, and while my parents will be coming to Texas the week following, it's going to be a difficult holiday season. Even more, my older brother just got engaged, and while I couldn't be happier for him and for his soon-to-be-wife, I stand as the last and only single person in my small family, a position that has not yet failed to make me feel invisible amongst those I should be closest to. And then today, someone who might have been more than a friend at one time decided that Austin was too far of a drive for his intended visit this weekend, and so he'll be traveling to New Orleans instead (it's further). That last one I prompted, in a way...I was apprehensive about the visit, and I finally called and talked to him about it, but I didn't expect what followed.

To be honest, I just feel numb tonight. The last few days have been hard, and I've cried enough to water the plants. I need to go running, I need to sew, I need to clean, and I need to actually make dinner. I need to do these things, and yet I don't want to. What I want is for someone to walk in my door, smiling, because they're so glad to see me. I want them to hold me in their arms, and I want the promise that they'll be back tomorrow and the next day and every day after.

But that's not going to happen. So instead, I'll go hit the treadmill and churn out a few miles. I'll finish making the yoga mat bag I started on Sunday, and I'll put the rest of my laundry away. I'll skip making dinner and go around the corner for pizza or falafel because even though my budget tells me to cook, sometimes cooking for one is just too hard.

And tomorrow I'll do it again. And again the next day. At some point, my heart will heal just a little, and I'll regain the hope that someone, someday, might stick around in my life for longer than a few days, weeks, or months.

And if nothing else, training for a half marathon will get me in such good shape that I'll be happy to attend my brother's wedding alone. It's much easier to flirt and be dazzling without some chump on your arm anyway.*







*Okay, that's only kind of true. Chumps = bad news, nothankyou. Good guys = totally worth giving up the flirty-fun-for-now-but-going-nowhere-crap.

Sneak Peak

 

Just getting a little work done on a Monday evening. :)

And here we go, there's nothing left to lose.

Hey y'all.

Just wanted to drop by and, you know, say hi.

I haven't been around much in the last week or so. And I've got to tell you, I probably won't be around much for the next little bit either.

I'm working on some projects.

Still writing here: austinbookworm.blogspot.com

Figuring out how to navigate Austin on this:

(It's new. I sold the yellow bike tonight after about 6 hours on CraigsList. This one has gears. Uber important in Austin.)

And I'm also making preparations for this: cheekylittlebird.etsy.com

It's something I've wanted to do for three years now, and I'm telling y'all in part so that I'll ACTUALLY do it. I have a habit of not telling people what I'm going to do because I'm afraid I won't, and then I also have a habit of saying that I'm going to do things and not. Either way, I'm done. I'm ready to just do.

But doing doesn't leave a whole lot of time for other things, like writing.

So while I love being deep/ridiculous/transparent/vague here, it just may not be my focus over the next few weeks, at least until I figure out how to balance things.

But if you want to know what's going on in my life you could, of course, call. I'd love to talk. :-D