Not there. HERE.

This makes me giggle.

On a related noted, one of my "resolutions" (if you will) for the new year is to instigate "Domestiweek." Basically, no eating (or drinking) out for the first week of every month. It's going to be interesting. But dang I'm going to save a wad.

Bear with me while I gush a moment.

It's 10:59pm and I need to be not awake, but here I am thinking about life and how much I LOVE AUSTIN. It's ridiculous to love a place this much because it's really just a city, and yet it's not. It's a jump start to my spirit, and an opportunity to be renewed and a refocusing of who I am and who I want to be.

Moving here was the BEST DECISION EVER, and to those people, known and unknown, who made it happen, I have nothing but the deepest gratitude. Thank you for believing in me and believing in who I could be enough to pave my way.

Cheers, and I'm out. 11:02. Not bad.

Things I love:

1) Quiet Sunday evenings.
2) Long chats about boys, life, and boys.
3) Having an awesome church home.
4) Liking what I see in the mirror.
5) Clean laundry.
6) Puppy kisses.
7) 4-mile early morning trail runs.
8) TOMS shoes.
9) Cozy sweats.
10) Delightful lunches with new friends.
11) The promise of a great week.
12) Newfound confidence.
13) Baby herb plants.
14) Puppy yawns (seriously, it's the cutest thing Bennet does).
15) Soup in a teacup.
16) White wine.
17) Being a person friends can confide in.
18) Crayons.
19) Pink dresses that don't fit (yet).
20) Austin, Texas.
21) Cheesy holiday festivities.
22) Grace that frees me from the things I've done.
23) Brianna's Poppyseed Salad Dressing.
24) My tiny studio apartment.
25) The hope of the Christmas season.

Tonight is a good night for crayons.

My mom called.

I was in the middle of doing yoga, and a little annoyed to be interrupted.

But it's my mom.

So I can't ignore it.

She had the "something's wrong" voice.

I knew it immediately.

I don't think she's aware of it.

She was all, "How're you? Deal with any mean doggies today?"

And I'm all, "What's up?"

But she's still playing it cool and chatty.

Then she tells me she's going to tell me what's going on.

I'm thinking, "Finally!"

Apparently my grandmother is having a hysterectomy.

In a week.

It's probably ovarian cancer.

Which sucks.

She didn't want to tell us.

So she waited until Thanksgiving.

She's know for a while.

She had to have known for a while.

And Madre talked to my uncle.

Who told her that she'd also had a biopsy on a lump in her breast.

About 10 years ago.

Apparently that one was fine.

My mom says this to me flippantly.

As if to say, "I just don't understand her."

But nothing more.

And I flip out.

Because for 24.75 years, I've believed we were a cancer-free family.

And come to find out, we're not.

My mom isn't a blood relative.

She wouldn't be concerned by this.

Her family is clean.

But mine apparently isn't.

I'm almost 25.

I need to know these things.

Especially given my genes.

I may have the milkman's hair color.

But I'm definitely my dad's daughter.

I'm built exactly like my grandmother.

His mother.

The one with the probably-cancer.

But she kept all this from us.

From me.

And I'm not sure what's worse.

That she's sick.

Or that I'm more upset by the fact that didn't tell us.

She didn't tell me.

I'm pretty sure that makes me a horrible human being.

Alternatives to Adulthood

 

My friend Ewart supports my refusal to grow up. 

He got me the big box of crayons. With a sharpener.

And the biggest coloring pages I've ever seen.

WIN.

Stupid Puppy

It's super warm in my apartment, which makes me just want to take a nap.

But Bennet and I went to the park today.

Not the one we normally go to, with the river.

But the other one, the actual dog park and not just off-leash dog area.

And this is what she did:

She's cute. 

But she's dumb.

Tonight I reactivated my account with eHarmony.

Yes, I have an account with eHarmony.

I made it once, at the thoughtful urging of a friend to "just try it."

And within the week deleted it.

And so today, I was thinking about it. 

And thinking about the fact that I have to go to my brother's wedding in 7 short months.

And I got back on.

Just to, you know, check it out.

And immediately deleted my account again.

I'm not sure what scares me more:

The fact that I might meet a raving lunatic.

Or the fact that I might actually meet a great guy.

But then have to tell people that we met "online."

It's not quite the black-and-white-movie romance I've dreamt of my whole life.

I want a better story than that.

(Maybe that's why I'm single.)

Ugh.

Today has been a long day.
This morning I found out that AmeriCorps hasn't processed my mileage payment, and though it was supposed to come within 8 weeks (which was today), they're not actually sure when it'll come.
I was counting on that money.
Especially given that I have two weeks off at Christmas with no holiday pay.
I was going to use that $800 check to balance out what I'm losing, while maybe picking up a few extra hours at a temp. job or two.
But now I don't have the cash in hand, and suddenly I'm not sure I can just hope to pick up hours.
I need something.

So I put in a few applications at the mall and at a nursery that's going to be selling Christmas trees.
Black Friday is a week from tomorrow.
Which means I'm already two weeks behind in this game.

Ugh.
Just ugh.

Today was good.

Today I woke up tired. But feeling good.

I went to work. The day dragged on, but it was good.

I got an email from a dear friend. It was really good.

I came home, let Bennet out, and ran back out the door to attend a Young Nonprofit Professionals networking happy hour. The southwestern eggrolls were very good (and so was the margarita).

I went straight from there to a church small group. We talked about families, and their dynamics. It was timely, and so so good.

Today was good.


After yesterday, I wanted to follow up and tell you all this. I don't know or understand why this morning I woke up with peace. Nothing really changed in my situation, though tonight, my social activities did make me feel like I was really part of something. I guess that was different. But it was the end of the day, and made no explanation for my earlier feelings.

I actually got invited to come down to Houston this Friday, and I said no. It was a potential plan posed a while back, that wasn't going to become reality because I had prior plans with my intended visitor. Maybe I'll regret this come Saturday evening, but I want to be here right now.

For the record.

Really terrible pop music is really amazing cleaning music.


Don't judge me.

Since launching Austin Bookworm and baring it to the world, I've become mildly obsessed with checking blog stats. I didn't even know blogger tracked that stuff until last week, and now I check it regularly, and get a little bit excited when the number of page views shoots up, if even for a moment.

It makes me feel a little less alone.

Ironically, one of the most-viewed posts on this blog recently has been something I wrote a little over a year ago. It was about loneliness, and if you care to inflate my stats and see what I'm talking about, you can find it here.

It's funny how much of a difference a year makes and yet not at all. I'm in an entirely different place, mentally and spiritually, than I was when I wrote that. And yet in the same token, I had just moved, was adjusting to a new home and a new community, and was feeling the pains of adulthood.

And here I am now. I just moved, I'm attempting to adjust, and I'm wincing from the growing pains associated with that. And there's more: I won't be going home for Christmas for the first time in my life, and while my parents will be coming to Texas the week following, it's going to be a difficult holiday season. Even more, my older brother just got engaged, and while I couldn't be happier for him and for his soon-to-be-wife, I stand as the last and only single person in my small family, a position that has not yet failed to make me feel invisible amongst those I should be closest to. And then today, someone who might have been more than a friend at one time decided that Austin was too far of a drive for his intended visit this weekend, and so he'll be traveling to New Orleans instead (it's further). That last one I prompted, in a way...I was apprehensive about the visit, and I finally called and talked to him about it, but I didn't expect what followed.

To be honest, I just feel numb tonight. The last few days have been hard, and I've cried enough to water the plants. I need to go running, I need to sew, I need to clean, and I need to actually make dinner. I need to do these things, and yet I don't want to. What I want is for someone to walk in my door, smiling, because they're so glad to see me. I want them to hold me in their arms, and I want the promise that they'll be back tomorrow and the next day and every day after.

But that's not going to happen. So instead, I'll go hit the treadmill and churn out a few miles. I'll finish making the yoga mat bag I started on Sunday, and I'll put the rest of my laundry away. I'll skip making dinner and go around the corner for pizza or falafel because even though my budget tells me to cook, sometimes cooking for one is just too hard.

And tomorrow I'll do it again. And again the next day. At some point, my heart will heal just a little, and I'll regain the hope that someone, someday, might stick around in my life for longer than a few days, weeks, or months.

And if nothing else, training for a half marathon will get me in such good shape that I'll be happy to attend my brother's wedding alone. It's much easier to flirt and be dazzling without some chump on your arm anyway.*







*Okay, that's only kind of true. Chumps = bad news, nothankyou. Good guys = totally worth giving up the flirty-fun-for-now-but-going-nowhere-crap.

Sneak Peak

 

Just getting a little work done on a Monday evening. :)

And here we go, there's nothing left to lose.

Hey y'all.

Just wanted to drop by and, you know, say hi.

I haven't been around much in the last week or so. And I've got to tell you, I probably won't be around much for the next little bit either.

I'm working on some projects.

Still writing here: austinbookworm.blogspot.com

Figuring out how to navigate Austin on this:

(It's new. I sold the yellow bike tonight after about 6 hours on CraigsList. This one has gears. Uber important in Austin.)

And I'm also making preparations for this: cheekylittlebird.etsy.com

It's something I've wanted to do for three years now, and I'm telling y'all in part so that I'll ACTUALLY do it. I have a habit of not telling people what I'm going to do because I'm afraid I won't, and then I also have a habit of saying that I'm going to do things and not. Either way, I'm done. I'm ready to just do.

But doing doesn't leave a whole lot of time for other things, like writing.

So while I love being deep/ridiculous/transparent/vague here, it just may not be my focus over the next few weeks, at least until I figure out how to balance things.

But if you want to know what's going on in my life you could, of course, call. I'd love to talk. :-D

Happy Halloween!

We had a monster invade our apartment this evening, but don't you worry your pretty little head...Miss Bennet was up for a fight. She took that monster down and ripped it open so that we could sleep in peace and safety. I'm so glad she's around to protect me.

Ahhh...Saturday.

I lied today.

I don't like doing that. So I feel a little bad.

But you would have done the same thing in my situation.

See, I was in the grocery store, standing in the beans aisle, selecting my dry goods.  There were a few of us in the aisle, and I heard someone say "Excuse me, beautiful." Instinctively, I glanced up, wondering if I was the person in the way. There was a man standing there, staring at me, and it sunk in what he'd actually said. Then he said, "Man, you really are beautiful." I was mute, completely flabbergasted. Then, as he was moving around me and away, he asks, "Do you got a boyfriend?"

What was I supposed to do? I hesitated a second, then finally said, firmly, though almost too late to be effective, "Yes."

I even ran through a quick list of my guy friends, debating which one to temporarily place in the boyfriend slot in case Sir Creeps-A-Lot decided to ask any follow-up questions.

I suppose I should be flattered when Random Stranger makes a pass at me or calls me beautiful. But there is a difference between such comments being sincere or flattering and them seeming simply predatory.

I've also just never understood hitting on someone by way of introduction. So I lied.

In other news, today is Saturday! I slept in this morning (6:30am, whoo!), spent some time in bed reading, changed the address on my driver's license, paid rent, went to the bank, Austin Community College to talk to admissions, the library to get a card, H-E-B for some banana bread baking groceries, and then home. It's been a relaxing, yet busy day -- a wonderful end to my extended workweek.

I hope y'all are having a wonderful day too. :)

Much Love from Texas,

C-Jo

And I will bookmark this.

As a habitual "loser," I find this to be brilliant:

You go to the website, type in your phone, and it gets called automatically. For seriously.

I even tested it.

My phone didn't go off.

Or so I thought.

Apparently when I was testing the "find your phone" service, I actually did lose my phone.

It wasn't in the house.

I checked the car.

No dice.

So I hit the button again.

Didn't hear it.

And again.

And walked back out to my car.

There it was, ringing away.

So yeah, it works.

(via)

I'm over the Electra Townie.

This is my new bicycling obsession:

(via www.bikereviews.com)

Gary Fisher Simple City 3.

Sold in Austin.

I'm avoiding going to the bike store so that I won't buy anything before I have the actual cash in hand.

But I want it.

Titles are good.

This post will probably make no sense, which I blame me being super duper tired, which I attribute to today being on the fifth day of an 8-day work week immediately preceded by a whirlwind trip to Galveston and an additional workday.

Only three days left until the weekend, people.

I have every intention to spend the day doing nothing. Unless, of course, I have the opportunity to be social. In which case, I choose society. Because rest is awesome, but sometimes friends are awesome-r.

Mmkay. So part of the reason I'm so tired, besides the longedy long long work week is a total fliparoo in my schedule (pronounce it like this: SHED-jewel). I went from working afternoons/nights in a bar to working mornings and afternoons with book lovers.

I got up at 5:30 this AM. I left my apartment 15 minutes before my body scheduled itself to actually wake up. I've been getting up at 7:30am, without fail, for more than a month. Now it's all kinds of wonky up in here, with me having to be at work by eight. What the deuce?

I'll tell you what the deuce: I LOVE MY NEW JOB.

LOVE IT.

LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

Yes, I'm a receptionist (except I'm called a "Front Office Assistant"), which I didn't really expect to be my profession at almost-25-years old. I don't make great money. It's not a long-term career position.

But here's the dealio: I work for an awesome organization which I will not name on this blog, but I will be happy to share with you provided you are not a creeper or stalker. I'm in a for-now position that will give me amazing experience and connections. I work with three full-time employees who started out as temporary staff members through the agency that pays my bills. And I LOVE IT.

So that's good, right?

Also, working with bookish people means nobody thinks twice about me sitting outside at the picnic table reading for my entire lunch hour. Want to hear about it? Go here: austinbookworm.blogspot.com.

Much loves from Tejas,

C-to-the-JO

Have a nap...and zen fire ze missiles!

Hokay, so.... I am le tired.

This morning I decided it was high time I got back on track with running. So I started a half-marathon training program asking me to walk a total of four miles and run one today.

Admittedly, I only walked 2.5 (because I ran out of time), but I ran the one at (for me) a pretty good clip.

And then I went to work, where a huge party filled the bar and were hungry and waiting to order when we walked in. I can't tell you how many times I ran up and down those stairs (a full flight) and around the bar serving customers. I made a nice chunk of money in under three hours, and then had a couple of hours to do little or nothing before I was cut loose.

I got home a little after five, and took Bennet to the dog park. Sure, I didn't do much there but watch her, but that was more than plenty to push me over the edge. All I want to do now is crawl into bed and pass out, but it's not even 9:00 and I'm not sure I'm okay with being quite that lame at the age of 24.

I might be that lame anyway.

Sundays are a great way to start the week.

Bennet is lying on the floor just staring at me right now. She's kind of adorable.

Oh wait, now there are noises. She wants something, but she needs to wait a moment.

I'm sitting here looking up churches online. There are a few I'd really like to check out - if I didn't have to work at noon. It turns out that agreeing to this work schedule addition is messing up my plans even more than I expected.

Thankfully it'll only be this week and next and then I'll be free (FREE!) on Sundays following. Last night I talked to the manager and told him the situation. I felt bad because there I was, on my first non-training day, telling him I was quitting. But he was totally cool about it, and I'll be working through the next week's schedule before I start the temp-to-hire position.

No, it's not set in stone yet. But Jessica, the staffing manager, is only presenting one candidate (me), and told me it's pretty much a sure thing. So I'm trusting in that, and if not, then I just hope she finds me some other wonderful temp. work to keep me busy and in the monetary way.

I hope you all have a wonderful, restful, and worshipful Sunday!

Much love from ATX,

C-Jo

I Heart Books.

Sometimes I send my friend Kyle really ridiculous text messages, in part because I know that his response is usually of amusement, and never of judgmental cynicism.

So today I sent him this:

So who is dumb and agreed to work on Sunday when she was planning to go to the book festival? Me! Also...I'm toying with the idea of restarting my classic lit project with a blog about it and about the places I read in Austin. I have a new obsession with becoming a legit blogger.

And then:

Thought it would probably still feature photos of my dog...
I need a social life.

And finally:

I'm being pitched for a full time position at a nonprofit involving books!



Okay, so to clarify a few things:
1) The Texas Book Festival is tomorrow and Sunday here in Austin. I'll be there tomorrow morning for a couple of hours before work. I'm super excited. I love booksy people.

2) I'm serious about the blog. But I need a name for it. Something catchy, not too obscure, the more it makes me laugh, the better. Help me, please. I'm terrible at this. My future children are likely to remain nameless for a large portion of time following their births because I can't choose names. It feels too much like choosing an identity. And they're stuck with it. FOREVER.

3) For realsies on the job thing. This was a while after the other two texts. It's a temp-to-hire position, and though I can't say much right now, I'll share more as things become set in stone (so excited).

P.S.

I made $4 in tips last night.

I know, I know...I should be careful carrying around that much cash. I tucked it into a safe place.

And it's the first deposit into my "I live in Austin, and gas is expensive. Why the deuce am I driving when I could be riding a sweet two-wheeler?" fund.

Yes, I have a bike now. It's a beach cruiser. Great for, you know, cruising beaches.

Not so great for heavy traffic and hills.

This is the one I want:

(via)

Electra Townie Euro 8D.

Solid bike, great reviews, 8 speeds, vintage stylings. Excellent.

Except apparently nobody in Austin carries the Townie Euros except REI, and they only carry the men's versions.

Lamesauce.

Double P.S. The more I eat my soup concoction, the more I like it. Though I burned my tongue on the first bite, and my deadened tasters might be contributing to that fondness.

I worked today (yay!). I spent the day at the temporary staffing agency where I'm registered, and just made phone calls all day.

If there's one thing working for the Episcopal Diocese of Texas broke me of, it's my fear of phone calls.

So the first half of the day, I phoned associates (people registered with the agency) to wish them a happy birthday. They were several days behind, so that took a while. But people were really cute when they realized why I was calling, and one woman called back in the afternoon to tell me that I'd made an old lady's day.

The afternoon was spent calling professional references for potential associates, which was not as enjoyable as well-wishing, but certainly not bad. It was fun to be in an office again, to get to wear my heels and pencil skirt and a cardigan and to play professional, peppy Carolyn.

When I got home a little while ago, I couldn't figure out why I was so tired. I sat at a desk all day, and the work isn't even as mentally taxing as it used to be on me.

Oh, that's right, I didn't sleep last night.

Okay, I slept some. I got home from work at the bar around 10:30, took Bennet out, and decompressed for a while. But I was still restless. I blame the dirty chai I picked up from Whole Foods right before my shift, but it may as well have been my busy mind that kept me from rest. I tossed and turned for a few hours, then laid awake, checking my phone after periods of time that felt like ages (which were actually something more like four, seven, and three minutes long), then half-dozed until my alarm went off at 6:15am.

I was afraid this morning that I'd be miserable at work, but the newness was enough to keep my adrenaline going, and the coffee made up the difference.

But as soon as I got home, I crashed, feeling the exhaustion, and my promise to Bennet that we'd go to the doggy park is now going unfulfilled.

Instead, I'm combining leftover spinach, tomato, a chicken soup mix (without the chicken), and some extra pasta into a hearty vegetarian soup for dinner. I'm pretty damn proud of myself for using what's already in my kitchen (go me), but I'm also crossing my fingers that it doesn't taste like something only bacteria could love.

Verdict: Bacteria would love it, but I don't hate it. Win.

Please come in!

I'm working today, but not until 5:00, so I've spent the morning tidying and taking photos of the apartment. I also did a short-short run (1/2 mile?), and I need to run out to the mall in a bit. But first, the long-awaited photos of my home:

 Living Room/Bedroom

Kitchen/Dining Room

Entryway

OK Corral

Miscellaneous Fun Details

Okay, well, now I have to be downtown at 3:30 for an interview.

It's the interview that I had scheduled for Friday, but I called and asked to change it because I'm going to be doing temp. work tomorrow and Friday. I don't really know how this job would work out all things considered, but I'm going to go find out, and then I can weigh my options and make the best decision about my employment future.

Real life is complicated, people. I didn't sign up for this.

Much love from Texas!

C-Jo

Hot Mess

After searching high and low for the USB cable that connects my camera to my computer, I gave up last week and ordered a replacement on Amazon. It arrived today, which means I can finally share photos of my new home!

Unfortunately, my camera battery died while I was uploading all the old pictures I hadn't put up yet, and so now I can't take any new pictures. I could share photos of an empty apartment, but that's hardly any fun. I'll charge up the battery tonight, and y'all will have something to look at tomorrow. But I will give you a preview.

 This room has a view:

And this is not where the horses are kept, though it could be where the "spirits" are stored. Just don't mess with the gunslingers who hang out here:

And this is my dog:

You actually get a funny story with the dog picture this time. See, the week after moving in and retrieving Bennet from Galveston, was surprisingly busy. I kept myself working almost constantly, whether it was applying for professional positions, walking around downtown with a stack of resumes in hand, or taking Bennet to the dog park.

The first day she was scared to bits. It was her first day in Austin, and she'd spent most of the morning hiding under my bed with the saddest eyes you ever could see. So late that afternoon I put her in the car, and we drove up to Riverside. It was a little after business hours, and the place was packed - dogs of all shapes, sizes, and colors were running around the field and trails. Bennet, however, spent most of the hour we were there sitting on the stone wall next to me, occasionally whining slightly because she kind of wanted to play, but not really.

When we went back two days later, I was surprised to see her jump right in with the pack. Except when the pack was diving into the river after tennis balls and other various chase-able items. She'd stop short at the edge of the water, barely daring to tip her nose over the edge, lest she fall in. After a while, she finally tiptoed into the shallowest area, barking at the swimmers retrieving their catch from the middle of the river, but refusing to follow.

So I had an idea.

It was a mean idea.

But I was curious.

What would happen if I just sort of, um, pushed her in?

I found out, let me tell you. What happens is that puppy-face becomes cranky-face, who panics and scrambles to get out of the water, then runs pell-mell back and forth across the trail until finally she throws herself on the gravel and rolls around until she turns brown.

Brown and crispy, as a matter of fact, after just a few minutes under the hot sun.

Hence the photo, taken immediately prior to bath time (which she hates). Please note my new white bathroom mat, now not-so-white.

And after surveying the wreckage of my bathroom...

...I vowed to take Bennet to a self-serve dog wash next time. Which happened yesterday.

I'm not actually sure what's better: perpetual dirt in my bathtub (I still can't get it all to go away) or paying $16 for someone else to clean up the mess. Really, as long as she's clean and I'm happy, I don't care.

I know, two in a row.

 

But she did that unprompted, and just...stayed there. It was hilarious.

I'm sure I'll have something otherwise relevant and witty to say soon. :)

Puppy in a Basket!

Do y'all ever get tired of seeing pictures of my dog? It can't be possible.

I mean, look at that fluffy white face. I just can't help but be madly in love with her.

I doubt you can either.

And if your furry little friend had taken up residence in your laundry basket, 

you'd be snapping photos too, don't you think?

Sure, I'm now counting everything on top as "unclean," 

but I just can't bring myself to kick her off. 

She's too adorable.

Aren't you, Bennie-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo?

Pondering.

Tonight I'm thoughtful, unsettled.

Tonight I'm weighing my options, considering my decisions.

Earlier this week I interviewed for and was offered a position. I accepted, and tonight I had my first training. But since that time, I've also had an interview with a temp. agency, was accepted as one of their "A-List" associates, and even did a phone interview with a local company for a job that could start this week. Plus, another restaurant called me, and I have an interview with them on Friday.

Should I choose to work multiple jobs, I could be bringing home a TON of money in the next few months. But at what cost? My time, as I face potentially working seven days a week? My social life, as that type of schedule doesn't leave a lot of room for making friends? My joy of living in Austin, as I'd no longer have the time or energy to enjoy all it has to offer?

And should I choose one job, or even choose more than one, which do I choose? The job I've started is evenings-only, except on weekends, when the hours are a little longer. So I'd be free to do other things during the day, such as work or sew or explore my new home. But it's not super flexible because of the specific role I'd be filling, and I'd be working most nights when others are free. The temporary jobs I'd be up for are daytime, putting me on a standard 9-5(ish) schedule. And they're mostly office positions, which are much better for a resume than being a food server at a bar. Still not flexible, and not likely to work around a potential school schedule should I decide to take some classes this spring (though, for the record, 3 of the 4 potential classes I'd be taking for the program I'd like to do are online). And then there's the other restaurant job, which I still have to interview for...it's a classier establishment, and the promise of set hours, though the job itself would offer more opportunities to be flexible should my availability change.

I'll admit that I didn't anticipate having so many options or opportunities laid before me. I accepted the first position in part because I felt I'd be a fool to turn down something in this economy. But I wonder if that was not necessarily the right decision, now that I see my situation as being far from desperate.

It's safe to say I have a lot to think about, and a lot to consider. That seems to be a theme in my life these days.

I hate driving.

Today, I spent nearly an hour trying to get home from the campus area. I did loops multiple times on the same road, fighting traffic and the sun to find my way. Then I somehow ended up on a road that had the potential to lead me home, even though I have no idea how I got there.

And then I got in a fender-bender. I may have made an illegal right turn (I'm still not sure the validity of that claim), and as I was almost through it, the truck behind me hit the back of my car, and a van hit them. No damage done to my car or the truck, and the van's bumper was a little saggy, but they were fine with it. No reason to call cops or insurance, and as we were all getting back into our cars, the old man from the van told me to be careful, I said I would, and then the guy in the truck looks me straight in the eye and says:

"You need to apologize to me and to the old people."

He had that "I'm your dad, and I know better" tone, even though he was maybe five years older than me, and I thought he was kidding. He wasn't.

"Apologize to the old people."

Me: "Are you serious? YOU hit ME."

"You need to apologize."

Again, "You hit me. I didn't do anything wrong."

"You made an illegal turn."

"I did not!"

And then the lady gets into it. She gets back out of the van, and starts informing me that yes, I did make an illegal turn. So they're all yelling at me, and I'm getting hopping mad, and yelling at the guy in the truck for basically being a big jerk, who's telling me, hey, we all love Austin as much as you do, so just apologize and we'll be fine, and the woman is asking me how long I've been driving that I don't know the laws, and I apologize, sort of, but that's not enough, and they ask if I want the cops to come out and corroborate their claim, and finally I say, "I'm sorry. If I did wrong, I didn't know it, but I'm sorry that it caused you problems" and they all leave in a relatively satisfied huff.

And I sit in the parking lot and cry and don't want to drive home because not only may I have done something wrong that I honestly didn't know was wrong and could have caused far greater problems than it did, but everyone was yelling at me too.

I hate being yelled at.

Hello Austin.

I've officially been an Austinite for one week!!

I'm super excited about that, and while I still don't have pictures (I'll tell y'all that story later), I do have lots to share about the move and what's been happening since then.

Sooo....here is is.

Last Friday I woke up early after going to bed late. I was super exhausted, kind of frustrated with certain parts of life (ugh, boys), and not excited about having to pack and move my stuff again. After moving out of my house and into a friend's apartment, then moving my extra stuff from the house into the office, then moving out of the apartment, I was SO not ready to move again.

Beazley, one of the current interns for TEDRD, was crazy kind enough to loan me his '92 Ford Ranger for my maiden voyage. But I still had a ton of stuff in my car, so I headed to the office well before eight to arrange things and figure out what went where and when.

And that's when I set off the burglary alarm. See, we have this alarm system that recently needed to be re-set. And, in fact, was re-set. But nobody told me, and, as I normally come in long after someone else has punched in their code, was blissfully unaware of the change. So I unlock the door, hear the beeps, punch in my code, and...nothing. No response. I try again. Nope, wrong answer. Suddenly the system starts screaming with siren noises. Seriously. Loud as can be, while I panic and call Kyle. Voicemail. Twice. Then I call Beazley. Voicemail. Then I call Luke, who actually answers, gives me the code, and I punch it in, then run for the phone to talk to the alarm company who are calling me to tell me there's a potential intruder in the building.

Alarm Company: We're calling in response to an alarm.
Me: Yeah, sorry, that was me. I didn't know they changed the codes.
Al-Co: How'd you get in?
Me: I have a key.
Al-Co: How'd you turn the alarm off?
Me: I got the code from a coworker.
Al-Co: What's your name?
Me: Carolyn.
Al-Co: What's your code?
Me: ****
Al-Co: What is the airspeed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow?
Me: African or European?

Okay, the last part (and half of the other) might have been a slight fabrication, but you get the gist. I spent the next couple of hours being harassed by Luke for not having/knowing the code, packing up, and trying not to panic because I was, in fact, actually moving to Austin.

I proceeded from there to the bank, where I held up the line and made the teller's day a living hell by attempting to not only deposit, but also access a large amount of money to pay for my move-in expenses. Then I dropped in to Eatcetera to pick up lunch from the counter guy who looks remarkably like Elijah Wood and happens to be about the same height as a hobbit.

(via)

Just so you know, asparagus-and-blue-cheese-cream sandwiches are delicious, but not the best travel food. Half of it ended up down my shirt before I left the island.

You should also know that a '92 Ford Ranger in which the bench seat no longer moves forward the originally intended amount is not all that comfortable for at 5'0" lady to drive. Not only did I have a pillow behind my back, but I had my legs fully extended in order to reach the pedals. And there is no cruise control. So I was over it before I hit Houston, and still had three hours to drive. Thankfully, I had Starbucks to keep me going.

There are no cupholders in the truck. I had to improvise.

I stopped in Brenham for a rest, and got a Blue Bell ice cream bar. It seemed appropriate, and it was delicious. Then I hopped back in the truck, situated my pillow, and drove on into Austin, and joined the rush hour traffic on the I-35 corridor.

Rush Hour + Not My Truck + No Rearview Mirror + Full Truck Bed = TERRIFYING

Not to mention that my cell phone, often used as my trusty navigator, had died 20 miles out. Just as I was ready to compose my last words and phone in my goodbyes, I found my exit, departed, and landed at my apartment complex. Seventy billion signatures and a lot of things I didn't really read later, I walked in the door to my new apartment.

And saw brown walls.

Not all the walls. Just two of them. "Accent" walls if you will.

Now you have to understand that I'm a girl who appreciates brown. It can be nice. Lots of people like it. I just happen to not be one of them.

It just doesn't play nice with the silver/grey/teal/yellow/lime green world I choose to live in.

So I trudged BACK to the leasing office, pouting, and asking for a reprieve from the "Otter" colored walls flanking my new home. They gave in, and assured me they could paint over it sometime next week (thank you!). They're still brown, but I have faith that they won't last.

In any case, I left the office, went back to my new and empty apartment, sat on the floor, and cried.

I was just a wee bit overwhelmed, y'all. It happens.

Then I sucked it up, and started unloading the truck. I met a neighbor (Stella, lives downstairs), and an older man saw me moving in alone, took pity on me, and helped me out, piling my stuff in the dining room to be sorted out later.

I went to bed on an air mattress that night after a three-hour phone conversation with my dear friend Kali, exhausted, overwhelmed, but HOME.

Hokay, so.

I owe y'all a post. Like for realsies.

But I'm in the process of searching for my camera connector. As soon as I find that I'll have pictures and other wonderful goodness to share.

In the meantime, know that I'm here in Austin, settling in and loving it.

And I have a job interview tomorrow. It's for a bar/lounge, so it's not My Dream Job. But it is, in fact, A Job. And that's wonderful.

Reasons I LOVE Texas.

Picked this up in Brenham, where they make Blue Bell. YUM.

Today I move to Austin.

There will be pictures, I promise.

I have to dig out my camera, but there will be pictures.

Much love from Texas,

Caro-Jo

The seasons are finally changing, and so am I.

I rode my bike into work this morning. It was a beautiful morning along the seawall, with the sun surging through the clouds and onto the waves below. It was incredibly windy, and the ride took me nearly twice as long as I'd anticipated, but there was a crisp coolness in the air that I haven't felt in a while...

Fall.

It might not be this kind of fall:

(via Pure Michigan)

But it is a Texas kind of fall. When the heat starts to fade away, the nights are cool, and we remember why we choose to live here. It's at least the kind that lets me wear hoodies in the evening and walk out the door without thinking I'm going to melt right into the sidewalk.

I keep forgetting that it's nearly October. Last night at 11pm, as I was driving home from watching a movie with the guys, it was still 77 degrees. It was a perfect evening, save for the mosquitoes (thanks, recent rainfall, for bringing those jerks back), and I kind of wished I could just sit outside and soak it up. But I was exhausted, so to bed I went.

So many of you have been praying for me lately, as I make some major decisions.

I hardly know what to say about it, but that God has used the generosity of friends and strangers alike to ensure that I can continue making my home here in Texas. Because one person believed in me, and because he was able to convince others of the same, a huge portion of my rent for the next year will be paid in full when I move to Austin this weekend.

Even now, typing those words, I'm overwhelmed by it nearly to the point of tears. I'm grateful, so grateful, and yet I don't feel deserving of this honor or this esteem. I've made poor choices, I've done stupid things. Why am I considered good enough to invest in? In the same token, it's a hard thing for my pride to accept help, and yet I know that I have few resources of my own right now to make this happen.

Suddenly I'm so much more aware of my tiniest choices. I'm hesitant to be careless with my time and money, knowing that I have the goodness of others backing me. The gift was anonymous, and I don't even know if the people who have given me this chance actually know who I am or anything defining about me. But I want to honor them anyway. I want to honor God. 

I want to live a life worthy of this gift.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

~Hebrews 12:1,2

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
~Matthew 6:33,34

Weighing My Options

It's been a rough week.

A lot of emotions exploded all over the place, especially on Thursday. I hadn't slept much the night before, and every fear, hindrance, and roadblock that could possibly come up was coming up. So I was a wreck. My eyes were perpetually puffy.


Here's the truth about this move: I'm scared. For good reason. If I wasn't approaching this cautiously, I would be approaching it unwisely. So I'm allowing myself, for the moment, to examine all possibilities for my future:


1) Return to Michigan and move back in with the parents. 
Pros: Family, friends nearby. Rent-free. Fall.
Cons: Family ALL THE TIME. Adding Bennet to the menagerie, but having to be super cautious with her because it's a parsonage. Even fewer jobs in the area than here. Winter.

2) Allow a friend to co-sign a lease for me and move to Austin.
Pros: Austin. Lots of new churches to choose from. Low unemployment rate. Just me and Bennet. Summer dresses ALL YEAR LONG.
Cons: Rent. Utilities. No actual guarantee of a job. Having to breach the friend relationship with a financial contract. No fall.

3) Stay here.
Note: This wasn't actually supposed to be an option. But yesterday at work as I was making biscotti and cookies and talking with the students and writing a letter of inquiry for a grant request, I realized something: I really like my job. Sure, it was just supposed to be a stop-gap, temporary thing and it's gone on a little longer, but I actually like it, and some of it is even continuing to grow my marketable experience, which is great.
Pros: Job. Job that I like. No moving (sort of?). Beeeeeaaaach.
Cons: Galveston. No church home to speak of, after more than a year. Have to get a second job. Still have to move and find a new home. Not actually sure how long Kyle will let me keep the job I have.

I can't actually tell you what I want or what's right yet. This is easily one of the hardest and most pressing decisions I've ever had to make, and I don't want to choose wrongly.

I'll let you know what I figure out.

Prayers are (always) appreciated.


Much love (still) from Texas,

CaroJo

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”- Romans 5:3-4

I can't sleep.

Bennet's laying next to me. She's passed out. I wish I could be.

Today I put a deposit down on an apartment in Austin. But I don't have a job yet, and I have a suspicion that it's going to be denied. I don't think my mom makes enough money to actually qualify as a guarantor - they want her to have 6 times the monthly rent. That's insane, though I understand their position. They're just assuming she has other bills to pay and helping to ensure she'll have enough to cover my rent if necessary.

This is not the way this was all supposed to go.

And now I'm starting to panic, starting to give up, starting to just want to be around people I know and love, because at least then I won't be dealing with this alone.

There's something about change and impending unknown that makes you incredibly lonely.
I'm here, alone, dealing with my own uncertainty, my own insecurities, alone. Lately I've been realizing how many friendships just aren't there anymore. At least not in a way that lets me call them at 1:15am, crying because life just isn't going the way it should, and many in a way that I don't feel like I can call them at all. Former best friends, who I haven't talked to in months. Some of it's my fault; I'm terrible at calling. Some of it's not.

Maybe I should just move back home.

Bennet is eating her breakfast, which means I have a few minutes to type this. She's not a fast eater.

I have made an important first decision regarding my life:

I'm moving to Austin.

I don't have a job, I don't have a place to stay.

Yet.

But it was stepping out in faith that brought me here to Texas.

And it's a leap I'm going to take again.

I've wanted to move to Austin since I first got to this state. And even when I drove up to my interview last week, I was confident that it was the place for me.

Today I'll start (continue?) putting out inquiries about apartments and jobs - whatever job will pay the bills.

If you know anybody in Austin, no matter what the industry (okay, within reason...there are certain "adult" industries I'm not interested in. Not that you wouldn't have assumed that. But I'm just saying.), and you think they might have something open, please let me know.

Much love (and boldness) from Tejas,

CaroJo

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arms.

It's 9am, and I'm waiting for Luke to stop talking so I can continue working.

That's a funny image when you don't know the context. So ponder what it means for a moment...

Okay, really he's just doing the volunteer orientation, and I'm painting tables. But I'd prefer not to be a distraction, so I'm waiting until he's done to move and sand them. But since this is the only thing I need to do today, I'm just hanging out and waiting for him.

Today is the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Ike, and so a big group of volunteers has come in from several churches around Galveston and Houston. It's exciting to see them here, ready to work. I was thinking about helping, but I may not end up doing so today.

The truth is, I can't seem to keep much straight in my brain this week. I forgot all about the anniversary, just as I forgot all about the birthday celebration for one of the island priests yesterday. The amount of things on my brain are enough to shove out the minor details, but I also don't do well without structure, and things have been all out of whack the last few weeks.

I looked up a bunch of jobs again yesterday, but I got overwhelmed and didn't start working on applications for any of them. The windows are still open, and that may very well be what I actually do this afternoon.

Okay, he's done. Back to work for me!

I will call you Betty. Betty Wetty, you can call me Al.

If I told you what I did today, and then told you how tired I am as a result of it, you'd judge me.

Seriously. I've done nothing today, and I feel like I could fall asleep now, at 7:45pm, just 1.5 hours after waking up from a nap.

Okay, to say I've done nothing isn't quite fair. I did rearrange some of my junk, sorting out a bunch of stuff to take to Goodwill and a bunch of stuff to take to the trash can, then reorganizing what was left. The new intern for the house will be moving in sometime soon (we're not sure when), and I have to get my stuff out of the house at that point. I'm only half moved-out; Bennet and I are staying with a friend until I figure out what I'm doing next. But that's time-limited too -- his lease runs out at the end of the month, so I have a maximum of three weeks to decide and act.

Tomorrow I really need to do something more than bum around. I only have to go to one job, and then I have the afternoon free. I have a to-do list already formulating in my head for those hours, which includes applying for jobs and sewing and rearranging more of my things.

I was trying not to, but I know now that I banked all of my future plans and energy on the Austin job. Now that I know it's not going to work out, I feel overwhelmingly lost. I'm probably going to sound like a broken record on this over the next few weeks, and for that I apologize in advance.

Before the month is out, I may decide to simply pick up and go, moving to Austin anyway and looking for a job once I'm there. The idea is terrifying to me, and my pride will hardly let me believe that it's an okay thing to do. As much as I say I'd be okay with a barista or waitressing or whatever job, I know it's not really what I want, nor what I'm capable of. Writing that feels greedy, though, especially knowing how many people in the country, with valuable skills far exceeding my own, are currently out of work. What right do I have to be prideful, to demand a fulfilling job?

Oy. I hate adulthood sometimes. I wish it were easier than this. I wish I didn't have the student loans and other bills that I do. I wish I could just forget about a job and spend my life volunteering, traveling, doing what I want to do rather than what's right or expected.

Oy.

Hail to the victors valiant, hail to the conquering heroes.

I'm currently sitting at work, though I'm not at work per se. I'm watching the Michigan (GO BLUE!) game against Notre Dame. I feel awkward yelling at the TV alone, even though I want to; there are people in here playing ping pong, and they may not appreciate my "sports tourrets". You should know, however, that I'm cheering loudly and even singing along to Hail to the Victors on the inside. But holy cow, those commercials for "The Michigan Difference" make me miss Ann Arbor.

I have important things I ought to be doing right now, but I'd rather not bog down my near-perfect Saturday afternoon with something silly like responsibilities. I actually got to sleep in this morning, which may mean that I woke up at a quarter past seven, but that was enough. I laid in bed for a while, read, cuddled with the puppy, and finally rolled out of bed sometime close to nine. Then I parked myself on the couch and watched a movie.

It was rough, I'm telling you.

I've needed the break. Working 40-50 hours the past few weeks has worn me out. I finished my two-turned-three-week stint at the local college bookstore yesterday afternoon. It turned out to be a really fun temporary job, but I'm glad to leave behind those long days constantly on my feet. Maybe now I'll have enough energy to start running regularly again.

And time to apply for jobs. Yesterday evening, I heard back from the organization in Austin that I interviewed with, and was disappointed to learn that I was not chosen for the position. I also got three or four other rejection emails and letters this week, so I'm a little disheartened by the job search process at the moment. Not to mention that I have a lot of big decisions to make that I was hoping to avoid. Do I stay in Galveston for a while? How long? Do I just move and hope for the best? Do I go home to Michigan? Go back to school? Grad school? An alternate training program?

In any case, I can't thank y'all enough for your prayers and well wishes last week as I prepared for and went to my interview. I'm holding tightly to the idea that this job simply wasn't the right one, and that there IS an opportunity out there for me. I don't know when I'll find it, but I'm certain that I will...eventually. Even if it means side-stepping and pursuing other avenues in the meantime.

I don't have many other leads, so I guess hope is the best thing I can cling to.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

~From "Hope" by Emily Dickinson

I'm going to need a lot of coffee.

It's 6:11am.

I'm usually up at this time.

But I've usually had more sleep.

I had trouble falling asleep last night.

Then I had a horrible cramp in my leg (it's still tense).

And then I had strange dreams about batman.

Seriously...batman.

I don't even know.

Apparently this is what I do the night before an interview.

Today's the day.

I need to head upstairs in just a few minutes to get ready.

I'm nervous.

I called Madre last night.

Late...11:30 her time.

I was so jittery, I needed to talk to someone.

She told me I have about "4 million people praying for" me today.

It's true, I know.

She's also choosing to assume I'll get this job.

I don't know about that.

But I do know I have 8 hours of driving ahead of me today.

And that I have to pick up my suit from the dry cleaner's.

So I guess I should go get ready now.

Much love from Texas,

C-Jo

P.S. Do you, or have you ever, used the word "wonky?" It has recently been suggested to me that it might be a Northern thing. I'm trying to figure out if it's a Carolyn thing instead.

Sad eyes for sick puppies.

Bennet is sick.

She seems to be in good spirits, but she asks to go outside about once every three minutes. She smells terrible, and she's drooling a lot. Apparently the latter is a sign of nausea. I think she'll be fine, but that doesn't stop me from watching her like a hawk or, more accurately, a concerned mama.

I wish sometimes she could talk, so she could tell me what's going on. I'm not sure if she got into something, or if she just got the same bug that made Murphy sick a couple of weeks ago. I keep asking, but she just won't tell me anything.

Anyway, I'm staying home today. Church started 7 minutes ago, and I had every intention of going. But then Puppy Face woke me up at 2am and again at 6am needing to go outside, though she never asks to go out in the middle of the night. Now I'm just hesitant to leave her here alone. She's actually under the couch right now. Sleeping, maybe. Her paws are twitching.

I'm sewing on buttons and blogging and thinking about cleaning. This week is going to be insane times seven. Besides working every day except Wednesday when I have to go to Austin, I also will be packing and preparing to move God-knows-where.

I might rent a storage locker to stash my stuff in starting next weekend. That way, if I need to, I can couch surf for a couple of weeks until I figure out what I'm doing. A couple of friends have wonderfully offered their guest rooms, so I know I have places to go; it would just be easier without a lot of stuff.

Some of it depends on Austin, too. If Wednesday goes well, I want to put myself in a highly flexible situation from which I can leave any time. If it doesn't, then I'd rather settle into something a little more permanent (read: mine). I don't want to take advantage of friends' good graces for too long.

Okay...I need to get up and do something now. Luke's coming home sometime this morning. It'll be nice to not be alone in this big old house any more, but I do need to clean it up a bit.

I hope you all are having a wonderful Sunday. :)

Mark this down.

3pm.

Next Wednesday.

September 1, 2010.

Austin.

Interview.

(Eeeek!)

(Pray for me.)

(Really really pray.)

(Like for realsies, people.)

(Okay, thanks.)

(Much Love)

(From Texas)

(C-Jo)

Not counting chickens.

Seven A.M.

Thursday.

I survived the three hardest days of my crazy week.

10 hours of working.

Two jobs.

Have I told you what they are?

1. Filling in for Kyle's now-gone office manager at Willie T's.

2. Full time, temp. cashier at the local Community College bookstore.

It's 10 hours standing.

My feet have been so sore.

My legs too.

The first two days I wore terrible shoes.

I didn't have anything else.

I don't typically wear closed-toe shoes.

Especially not closed-toe flats that have to look good with a skirt.

Mine were cute, but useless for that long.

So I bought new shoes the other night.

And gel cushions.

It helped.

Sure, it cost me a good chunk of my yet-unearned cash.

But it prevented me from quitting due to pain and agony.

It's worth it.

Today I'm only working 6 hours.

4 tomorrow.

5 on Saturday.

Back to crazy days on Monday and Tuesday.

And then I might have to take next Wednesday off.

I got it approved.

I just have to secure my plans now.

I'll be in Austin.

For an interview.

Did you catch that?

For an INTERVIEW.

For a real job.

A professional job.

I'm not going to tell y'all who it's with yet.

Not until I know a little more.

I'm trying not to count my chickens.

I want to.

I want this to be the one.

The one that renders all the rest of my inquiries irrelevant.

But maybe it won't be.

We'll see.

I'll keep you posted.

Much love from Tejas,

CtotheJo

Carry Me Through

Dear life,

I'll admit it.

Last night you got me down.

The house was empty.

I was lonely.

I was facing these life changes.

By myself.

Well, puppy was there.

But she's not much good as a shoulder to cry on.

She's too wiggly.

But I digress.

I was sad to realize - suddenly - that my work with TEDRD is over.

For reals over.

Sure, I have a few things to finish up.

I blame that on all the wonderful mid-day meals I was treated to in my last couple of weeks.

Really, phenomenal.

There are some amazing restaurants out there beyond my budget.

I'm getting off-track again.

Not having something super exciting and brand new was hard too.

I'm an all-or-nothing kind of girl.

When I start over, I like to start over completely.

None of this, you're done with this but you're going to start something new right where you are stuff.

It's awkward.

It's goodbyes without the real goodbyes.

But that's where I am.

And that's hard for me.

Not to mention it isn't exactly what I was going for.

But I'm learning to be grateful.

This is where God has me.

I have one full-time job for the next two weeks.

Plus a part-time job on top of it.

And another part-time possibility after it's over.

I need to take that application in.

Soon.

Maybe tonight.

Anyway.

God is providing what I need right now.

I don't know where I'll be living yet.

But people are working on it.

Good people.

God will provide.

Today I got up early.

It was still dark.

I went for a run.

The sun came up while I ran.

I'm kind of gross.

And behind schedule now because I'm telling you about it.

But it was the perfect start to a new day.

A new chapter.

Maybe just a new paragraph.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

But I'm learning what faith really is.

Not cuddly, let's-sing-songs faith.

Though I like that kind sometimes.

I mean real, true, I have no idea what You're doing but I'll trust You faith.

As an almost-80 lady said yesterday:

You can't live in yesterday.

You can't live in tomorrow.

You have just this moment to live in.

So do it.

And this moment involves me showering.

Much love from Tejas,

CaroJo

Blog Title Inspiration: Carry Me Through by Dave Barnes

(love that song)

(it's playing right now)

(okay, to the shower)