I thought it rather...

...strange that I hadn't yet seen a cockroach.

No more. I have now seen one, crawling about in the night.

(Now all I need to see is an armadillo. Apparently you can kick them and they'll curl up into a ball of hard shell. Not like the taco.)

Isn't it interesting how...

...things come around and hit you when you least expect it?

I had this conversation with Jafner earlier:

4:25 PM Jeff: wait a second... who is this? you haven't said anything sarcastic or mean to me this whole conversation...

:P

4:26 PM me: well there were a couple of things

but not up to my normal levels of cynicism.

4:27 PM Jeff: yeah

you feeling okay?
haha

I was feeling okay. I was feeling great, no less. And I wasn't being snarky or purposely sassy. I had no reason to be.

That conversation actually launched into a longer expose on the ways I've changed recently. Some good, some that might raise eyebrows, but all real. Quite real. Last week I was talking to Megan and Luke, in one of our moments of serious conversation that broke in between the hours of ridiculous laughter, and I commented, "It seems cliche, but I feel like I found out who I really was when I moved to Texas."

Ah, life. How funny you are.

Is there more...

...death in the news these days, or am I simply more aware of it? I just walked into the big house. On one TV, they're talking about the swine flu. On the other, about the University of Georgia professor accused of killing his wife and two other people.

It seems that every time I pull up my CNN (which is daily), I find out about someone else who has died -- and seldom is it a result of natural causes. Are people more desperate in this world? Are they more hopeless that they feel the need to take the lives of others?

The state of the world breaks my heart.

>>>>>

I actually came in here to write about my newest project. For those who know me well, you'll be surprised that it doesn't involve my sewing machine or a salvaged piece of furniture or anything of the sort. It involves several books and a journal I bought cheaply and is now dedicated for a specific purpose -- to allow me to pour forth my thoughts, observations, and learnings about faith.

This new project was, in part, inspired by my good friend Luke. He and I have vastly different understandings of who God is and about the truths of Christ, hell, and salvation. Yet he and I have a great deal of respect for each other's thoughts on the topics. He understands -- and even appreciates -- my faith, even when he doesn't agree. And I understand -- and appreciate -- his devotion to seeking truth, even when his journey leads him to places I do not also go. This past week he told me about a years-long undertaking of his unlikely group of friends, all who spent a great deal of time thinking and writing about faith and spiritual concepts, and eventually turned their thoughts into a book that they all share. That's just cool.

The project was also partly inspired by listening to slightly intoxicated philosophical conversations regarding the beginning of the universe. I was both sober and intrigued, but felt my hands tied behind me in a figurative manner. My limited knowledge and understanding -- especially apart from the specific mandates of the Bible (a source which is rendered nearly useless in an argument with an atheist or even a Christian who does not take it as full truth) -- forbid me from actually contributing anything of validity or value to the conversation.

That was on the last night in Albuquerque, and the questions plagued me for the entire plane ride home (the looooooong plane ride home. I had plenty of time to think). I knew then that I wanted to explore the topic further. I knew that I wanted to explore the idea of atheism -- to break it down and understand it so that I could also then understand how to argue against it. One of the first lessons of debate is to know the argument of your opposition inside and out, and it's a significant concept in philosophy as well. In all ways you must be prepared to counter objections, and the only way to do that well is to know the objections in advance. Even Peter said so: "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." (1 Peter 3:15b)

I started the project in earnest last night, and my first question was the simplest, yet one of the hardest: "Does God exist?" This question forms the basis for all other questions: If God does exist, the the floodgates of questions about the specifics of faith open wide. If He does not, then the rest of my questions become moot and the experiment ends.

So far, I have opened the Bible (which assumes, but does not explain the existence of God), the writings of Bertrand Russell (a philosopher who believes that religion is not only untrue, but harmful), and answers penned by Norman Geisler (a Christian philosopher and apologist). I have more to explore, and every reference made by either of these very intelligent men pulls me deeper into into the journey.

Russell brought me only to a point of mental neutrality. At best, all he successfully argued against were the arguments for God, rather than against God himself, which leaves us in limbo, with neither proof for or against His existance. Geisler brings up the very points which Russell raised and argued against him. I wouldn't say that Geisler's arguments are perfect. However, I believe that planting doubt in the mind of a confident atheist is important. After all, if one can prove neither, only a foolish man would settle for ambiguity. It has been said (not by me), that it is better to live as thought there is a God and find out there isn't than to live as though there is no god and find out He is real.

On that note, I need to go to bed. I need to get lots of sleep this week. I was offered to take Friday off so that I can go to New Orleans with Maggie, Luke, Denver, and Paul for Jazz Fest this weekend. I have some comp time built up, and so I'm going to use it. Not only will I see them, but I'll also see some of my favorite people from Albuquerque -- the people I nearly missed my flight with. That's enough to bond you together, believe me.

Much love from Texas.

Are you a...

...Facebook addict??

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/23/ep.facebook.addict/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

I think I know some people who are....

If you want to find out where home is...

...go away for a few days.

I'm back from Albuquerque, NM. Here's a recap of the week, with bulleted points for easy skimming:

Tuesday:

• Early-morning flight, but mine went smoothly (Luke's was way delayed - ha).
• Arrival in Albuquerque: Mountains!
  
• Phone call from Denver and Maggie: Hey, Denver got fired!
• Phone call from Luke: The shuttles aren't running, how do we get to the hotel?
• Dinner: Met Megan from Tucson/Malawi/Illinois. Inappropriate comments that made me blush. Instant friends.
• Drinks in hotel bar w/ Luke and Megan.
• Flirtations. The guy even started it.

Wednesday:

• Early-morning workout. Only lasted 15 minutes on the elliptical. A for effort.
  
• Yellow dot group: Tons of information/discussions about poverty. Very compelling.
• Afternoon session about VISTA stuff. I drew a picture instead of listening. Every once in a while, Luke looked over and told me to add something. Eventually that picture went up on the wall in our room. Then I gave it to Megan. I gave it to her once before, but she said she didn't want it, so I took it back under awkward circumstances.
  
• Evening: Let's go out. Karaoke? Let's not go out. Why are you so energetic? I'm sleepy. If we're going out, let's go now. (All Megan)
  
• Cab ride into town w/ Mike the hilariously cynical cabbie/tour guide: Albuquerque sucks. I hate it. Don't go there. Really don't go there. The cops are the biggest gang in the city. Why'd I move here? Why else? A woman. Then she cut me loose. Here's my number. Call me when you guys want to go somewhere else.
  
• Maloney's Pub. Where there were books around all the walls. I'm the only one who noticed, I think.
• Cab ride #2 w/ Mike the cabbie: My sincerest apologies for not tipping you before. I really didn't know. I'm a small town girl. (Me -- although Luke gave him a smallish tip that time, so it's not completely my fault).
• Marble Brewery. They had beer. Only beer. So I just hung out and got sleepy. Oh, and found out that flirty boy is gay. For real. I'm not sure what that says about me, but he then became known as "Gay Boyfriend" to myself, Megan and Luke.
  
• Walking home. It was two miles or so. Never ever ever walk any distance with Luke when he's drunk. He's cranky and annoying. I was sober, and wanted him to go away.
  

Thursday:

• Lots more group work and information. Our table became rather trouble-making, but hilarious. This might have also been the day Rob threw a pen at me and it went down my shirt. I would have been upset if it hadn't been so funny. We finished out the day with time to "appreciate" someone or something about our group sessions. It was moving.
  
• Evening: Karaoke tonight? Please? Maybe? Oh, Luke doesn't want to go, and it's kind of far. Why don't we just go to the grocery store and buy drinks?
• Walking to grocery store: It's a lot further than the girl at the counter made it seem. Oops.
• Applebee's. Luke had a gift card, so we made a pit stop. I mean, why not?
  
• Continued walking: Seriously? Where's the dang store? Oh, there's a Walgreen's. That'll work.
• Phone call from Gay Boyfriend: Where are you guys? We're hanging out by the pool with drinks. Come.
• Conversation with Luke: Wait, Gay Boyfriend called you too? Who did he call first? Dang it. It was both at the same time. Why are we arguing about someone who's not attracted to me (because he's gay), and you're not attracted to (because you're straight)?
• Hanging out outside with everybody.
  
• Hanging out inside (it got cold) with Megan and Luke.
• Luke: Carolyn, when you go to breakfast tomorrow, get me a bagel.

Friday:

• Breakfast. I snagged a bagel for Luke. He was surprised I had remembered. I was just annoyed that I'd woken up in time for breakfast.
  
• Boring session, could-have-been-helpful-but-not session, then Swearing In Ceremony. They were right. It was a lot more powerful when you don't take the oath from a coffee shop in Alabama. Also, the photographer guy in front of us kept making me laugh. Our table is full of beautiful people, but please train that thing on someone else, sir.
• Pool frisbee: I didn't have my suit, but I took really amazing pictures of the guys catching the frisbee as they jumped into the pool.
• Back to the airport w/ almost our entire table from the yellow group: We've got an hour. Why not hang out at the brewery? Oh, the drinks are gone. We still have some time. Let's do shots of tequila. That wasn't so bad. Oh crap! It's 5:12 and the plane leaves at 5:25. Sign that receipt. Run!
• Airplane -- Breathless, woozy, and I was the LAST person on board. They nearly cut Gretchen and I out. Oops.
• Dallas: Goodbye dear friends!
• Flight from Dallas to Hobby: Bad weather, circling College Station. Bad weather, out of fuel, landing at Bush. Hanging out on the plane. Cranky passengers. Sweet, but tired flight attendant who helped out my hunger by tossing a package of almonds across the aisle to me when nobody else was looking. You're supposed to pay for them, but I was in the one front seat on a puddle-jumper plane and I was being nice to her. We finally got to Hobby at midnight. Not 10:05 as predicted.
• Home. 2:00am. After searching for my car for some 45 minutes. And driving through flood waters in Houston. It was grand.

Whew. I think that's all. Photos here: http://picasaweb.google.com/carolyn.jo.gibbs/Albuquerque#

It's been raining...

...for two days straight in southeast Texas. Not like sprinkles. Like torrential downpour. Houston, Galveston, and many of the small towns in Harris, Galveston, and Brazoria (where I live) Counties are flooding -- up to 4 feet in some areas.

Please pray for the rains to stop and for the sun to dry it up. This area is still fighting to get back to normal from Ike. For some, the addition of flooding may prove to be too much.

Dear TXDOT,

I've lived in your fine state for nearly two months now, and I'm quite happy to be here. You may never believe me to be a true Texan, considering my Northern place of birth, but I already feel like one of your own.

Next week I'll be taking a short trip to our next door neighbor, New Mexico. When I walk into a brewery and get carded because I'm small and young-looking, I'd like to pull out my driver's license and proudly say, "Yes, sir, I live in Texas."

I'm really just thinking about you, after all. If you could expedite the mailing of my license, so that I don't have to present my EMU ID (from my two short terms there) and that piece of paper you gave me when I gladly surrendered my Michigan ID, I'd be obliged.

Much love from the heart of the state,

Carolyn

Did I say that I hate...

...running? Can I change that? I'm not quite sure I love it yet, but I think it's growing on me. Today I ran Week 5, Day 3 of the Couch-to-5K. It's the run I've never before been able to complete, and therefore it's the reason I've never actually made it through the whole program. I remember talking to Siew two years ago, frustrated because I made it through just 16 minutes of the 20-minute run, and appalled that they would even dream of pushing me to do 20 full minutes when I've never done longer than an eight-minute spurt.

I have eaten my words. Chomp chomp swallow.

I think more than my location and my job changed when I moved to Texas. My mind changed too. I believe I have possibilities here. I believe that I'm capable of a lot more than I ever have. And even when I doubt (like tonight when I was cranky and didn't want to run so ate dinner instead), I burst through those self-imposed limits and surprising myself most of all.

I was cleaning last night...

...and flipped on the TV. I normally watch shows on HGTV, but they're visual in nature, which would only serve to distract me while doing dishes. So I flipped it to TLC -- Jon & Kate, Plus 8.

Okay, lots of cute kids, busy family....snarky wife. I was appalled by Kate's total disrespect for her husband. But then she'd laugh, and that made it okay, right? No.

So I switched to abcFamily. abcFAMILY. So why, then, was the primetime show talking about vibrators? Really? Is that appropriate for a family? Then, the following show was just a mess of indiscrepencies and loose morals.

Okay, okay. Our society isn't so "uptight" as to relate to Leave it to Beaver anymore. But I stand by my convictions, and I stand by the fact that television should not be encouraging these false, skewed, and disturbing ideals.

Next time I guess I'll just turn on the radio.

I'm not allowed....

...to go to this: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/chronicle/6372257.html

As an AmeriCorps*VISTA, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to say I support their cause.

So I'm not going to.

I bought a...

...bikini. I know, scandalous. And what's more, I wore it tonight so that I can't possibly take it back.

Sometimes I think that my life in Texas is a dream, and someday I'll just wake up and be back in Michigan in my freezing cold apartment in a job I hate. Every morning my alarm goes off and I'm still here, still living in a pool house, still working disaster recovery. And every morning I ought to thank God for it. I don't, always. But sometimes, like tonight, I have no choice. The gratitude just pours out before I could stop it, even if I wanted to.

My Easter dinner party in Galveston...

...was a huge success.

For posterity, and to share my yummy recipe findings, here are my utilized links:

http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=224984#

http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=222085

Oh, and Maggie made the cream puffs I planned (filling - french vanilla pudding mixed w/ french vanilla cool whip) and I made a salad (green leaf lettuce with slivered almonds and craisins) with homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing.

Admittedly, I was a little concerned about the sauce, but it all turned out fabulously and deliciously, despite having to be kept warm for an hour and a half while we waited for Denver to get back from Houston (seriously?). Thank goodness for the "Mormon drawer" (aka...warm and serve drawer) on the stove. We forgive the kid, anyway, because he made perfectly coordinating bruschetta -- one of which also utilized zucchini. We had a spread to be envied by all.

Heck yes.

Much love and happy Easter from Texas!

Good morning from...

...Galveston Island. Where I might be falling in love. With a location, not a person. Settle down.

This Easter weekend is turning out to be fantabulous. Yesterday, Surfside beach. Where I applied sunscreen and fried anyway, except for four perfectly white little dots on my left shoulder blade. Rock on.

From Surfside, I took the only partially reconstructed Bluewater Highway into G-town. A little Trivial Pursuit, a little live acoustic, and then I completely conked out when they started Back to the Future.

This morning, I've already planned out dinner, gone for a run, played with the puppyand showered. Now to put myself together, and I think in a bit Luke and I are grabbing lunch before he heads to Waco and the rest of the kids come back/in.

I hate running.

I hate it in the midst of it, when you're out there, not sure you can take another step, struggling, ignoring the pain in your calves, your side, brushing away the mosquitoes that try to make a feast from your flesh.

I hate it. I hate the end, feeling like I could just fall over, that the next step just might kill me, but that I have to keep pressing on.

And yet, being still never felt as good as at the end of a run. I never felt stronger than when I rock the next portion of my training regimen. Tomorrow I embark on week five of Cto5K. There is a 5K here in Lake Jackson in just about a month. I want to do it. Because I'm ready to prove to myself, once and for all, that I CAN.

God's been trying...

...to get to me lately. Every time I hear the radio I hear Him speaking, but I let it flow in one ear and out the other, like a rebellious, apathetic child.

This morning, I was running late, having spent too much time primping, and I was thinking about how fabulous I looked and how I was going to blog about it and make some silly quip about being ready for a date night with...oh, with nobody, right. And God reached out, caught me by the arm, and said, "Wait a minute, Carolyn. Just sit here and listen for a moment."

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands, at my side
They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life.

My heart's been struggling immensely the past couple of weeks, feeling distant from friends both physically and emotionally. I'm far away, and, what's more, it seems that all my best friends are either finding love (or mutual like) or taking it to a new level. They're preoccupied, and I'm further away than my distance would lead us to suspect.

I know that I've had my own chances in the past couple of years. I realize that I had two relationships in two years, both of which I somehow screwed up. It's only been a year since I dated anyone. That's not much time at all. So I have no real reason to complain.

But my heart betrays my head more often than I can explain, and I've found it reigniting old feelings I thought I'd boxed up, taped up, and put deep in the closet. I've found myself dwelling on romantic possibility with someone I barely know -- and won't get to know if I don't allow a regular friendship to build.

Through it all, God's been whispering, "Carolyn, I'm here. Carolyn, I love you. Carolyn, come to me first. Carolyn, focus your energy and your hurts and your desires on me. Carolyn, I'm waiting even when he isn't. Carolyn, spend time with me."

I just want to go to the beach with my Bible and my journal and spend the day there.

I can't. I'm at work, and posting this when I should be posting community resources to our assistance network.

Dear Michiganders: I apologize...

...for my hasty ridicule of your snowed-in situation yesterday. While I moved to Texas, where snow is rare, I should be sympathizing with your predicament, based upon my previous 23 winters in the blustery cold. To humble me, God put frost on my windshield this morning, and I had to dig around my car to find the scraper I so expediently put away upon arriving south of the Mason-Dixon line. In the future, I will hold my tongue. Please forgive me.

Love from Texas,

C-Jo



{Yesterday's gmail status: It snowed in Michigan today. Muahahahaha.}

I am officially...

...Texan. Even my car is Texan. And let me tell you, getting to that point was an adventure:

1) County Tax Office. Ouch - $170.00? Okay, fine. You made it all easy on me otherwise. Not like last week's drama, when I ran around Lake Jackson like a chicken bleeding from my headless neck chasing wild geese.

2) Driver's license office. I need my birth certificate? Really? That's the only personal document I didn't bring. I promise I was born, does that work? Okay, fine. I'll go home and get it. Thank the Lord I found it before I moved.

3) Peanut butter sandwich. If I had to come home, I might as well eat lunch.

4) Driver's license office, round 2. Oops, I left my insurance information, which I couldn't have gotten my registration (that you're holding) without, in the car. Sure, let me run out and get it. Please do answer that phone. And that question. And, okay, come back when you're ready. No problem, I have tons of time.

5) AutoZone in Angleton. Until about 2 hours ago, I was a Michigander. We don't do front license plates. Furthermore, a cavalier isn't really made for a front license plate. Yes, I agree that I'll probably have to drill through the bumper. No, I don't have the tools either. Okay, let me buy the mounting kit. I'll go to a dealership and see what they can do.

6) Chevrolet dealership in Lake Jackson. Hey, could you help me put these plates on my car. Yes, I'm from Michigan. Oh, you're from Bay City? That's special. Sure you can ride to the service area in my car, just let me clear...nevermind. No, I'm not married. No, I don't have kids. Oh, hte junk in my car? That's all mine. I'm the only kid here. You'll change the plates for free? Fantastic. I like free. Um, acutally I WOULD mind you taking me out very much (aren't you like, old? I mean, you could totally be my dad), but I'd still appreciate you putting the license plates on. Thanks. Your business card. Sure, I'll pass it along (into the trash can).

7) Texting while driving. Me: I just got asked out by a guy who's probably my dad's age. / Lauren: Haha. Was he cute? Did he get your digits? / Me: No. Ew. / Lauren: Come on, give grandpa a chance. / Me: Well, if you feel that way, I'll go back and give him your number. / Lauren: jk. Don't you dare. / Me: Fine. I'll give him Amy's number instead.

8) Texas gulf bank. I'd like to open an account. Do you have free checking? Um, if I'm paying a dollar a month is it really free? Yeah, here's my license. Well, I had a photo ID until about two hours ago. They took it away and gave me that. Sure, let me go get my passport out of the car. Oh, excuse me Mr. Husband-of-the-Banker, you're in my seat.


Now I'm home. And yes, that is a generally accurate, even if not verbatim account of my day.

I write long emails...

...when I'm responding to something (or somebody) that has frustrated, aggravated, or generally ticked me off.


Subconsciously, I think I diffuse my negative emotions through my wordiness.



{It's been that kind of day.}

Cigarette smokers are feeling "abused" by...

...the government's new tax hike.

{Warning...cynicism levels are extremely high today.}

I'm a person who values my lungs. I like them pink and fleshy, not black and tarred. Yet over and over and over again, I get stuck sucking in the remnants of their cancer sticks simply because I'm walking down the street. My least favorite place to go because of smoke? Bowling alleys. I love to bowl. I grew up next door to an alley. But I hate coming out feeling like I've spent two hours wallowing in an ash tray.

Now, I have friends who smoke. And I, occasionally, will go sit with them while they have a ciggy. In that instance, it's my choice. But even then, I chat with them from several feet away. Even more, they know I don't like it, and they'll arrange themselves so that they're not blowing it at me. It doesn't fully solve the problem, but it helps.

Here's the thing about cigarettes: They're not good. For anybody, for any reason. Even smokers know that. Sitting in a car with a smoker friend a few weeks ago, I was warned, "Carolyn, never ever start smoking." Check. Got it. Not only are they bad, they're not self-contained. The damage you do to your body is shared amongst your friends (congratulations on passing kindergarten...I kind of wish you'd skipped that lesson). So do I have sympathy when the government decides to place a higher tax on cigarettes?

Sorry, no. Much love, but no.

{On a side note, I also realized that gasoline, in many ways, is not good either, pollutes the air, and affects the whole world. I'd be happy to buy an electric or solar-powered car if they make it affordable. And I was planning to sell my car and buy a new bike if I'd moved to Boulder...but alas, that didn't happen. Anyway, this is me recognizing a counter-argument before it can be used against me. Still much love.}


In unrelated news, this is hilarious. Who gets arrested for riding a barstool drunk?? I'm 1) impressed at his ingenuity (was it thought of sober or drunk? I'm guessing drunk...) and 2) uncertain whether the DUI was justified. I mean, if that puppy goes up to 38 miles per hour, you could theoretically kill someone with it. But it was a lawn-mower-engine-powered-barstool. Cases like that make me want to go to law school and work up to being a judge, just so I can be like, "Um, what? You're a crackhead, but you made me laugh, so I'm going to reduce your fine by just a bitty bit."