I will call you Betty. Betty Wetty, you can call me Al.

If I told you what I did today, and then told you how tired I am as a result of it, you'd judge me.

Seriously. I've done nothing today, and I feel like I could fall asleep now, at 7:45pm, just 1.5 hours after waking up from a nap.

Okay, to say I've done nothing isn't quite fair. I did rearrange some of my junk, sorting out a bunch of stuff to take to Goodwill and a bunch of stuff to take to the trash can, then reorganizing what was left. The new intern for the house will be moving in sometime soon (we're not sure when), and I have to get my stuff out of the house at that point. I'm only half moved-out; Bennet and I are staying with a friend until I figure out what I'm doing next. But that's time-limited too -- his lease runs out at the end of the month, so I have a maximum of three weeks to decide and act.

Tomorrow I really need to do something more than bum around. I only have to go to one job, and then I have the afternoon free. I have a to-do list already formulating in my head for those hours, which includes applying for jobs and sewing and rearranging more of my things.

I was trying not to, but I know now that I banked all of my future plans and energy on the Austin job. Now that I know it's not going to work out, I feel overwhelmingly lost. I'm probably going to sound like a broken record on this over the next few weeks, and for that I apologize in advance.

Before the month is out, I may decide to simply pick up and go, moving to Austin anyway and looking for a job once I'm there. The idea is terrifying to me, and my pride will hardly let me believe that it's an okay thing to do. As much as I say I'd be okay with a barista or waitressing or whatever job, I know it's not really what I want, nor what I'm capable of. Writing that feels greedy, though, especially knowing how many people in the country, with valuable skills far exceeding my own, are currently out of work. What right do I have to be prideful, to demand a fulfilling job?

Oy. I hate adulthood sometimes. I wish it were easier than this. I wish I didn't have the student loans and other bills that I do. I wish I could just forget about a job and spend my life volunteering, traveling, doing what I want to do rather than what's right or expected.

Oy.