Hi.

My name is Carolyn.

This is my blog.

You haven't seen me around here much lately.

I've been busy.

I've thought about you a lot.

Really, I have.

I had so much to tell you.

Several times I even opened up this window.

Then paused.

And waited.

And closed it again.

Sometimes I struggle with words.

With ways to describe how I feel, and what's going on in my heart.

For the past few months, I haven't had the words.

I haven't even written in my paper journals.

I've neglected it all.

Simply because I didn't know what to say.

Tonight I want to tell you about my heart.

It's hurting.

Hurting for missed opportunities.

Hurting for relationships that simply cannot be right now.

Hurting because I'm still not the person I want to be.

To make a long story short, there was a boy.

It came about suddenly.

And just as suddenly, it went away.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

The worst part is knowing that something could be.

But knowing even more that it's not the right time.

And acting on what's best.

When it feels the worst.

Remember that movie?

How to lose a guy in 10 days?

Did it.

Didn't even need a love fern.

It might have technically been 11 days.

But who's counting?

Now that I'm back to me, I have an opportunity.

To change, to be better.

To explore the things I saw that I don't like.

One thing I want to do is return to the relationship I once had with God.

I've come a long way in six months.

My time in Galveston was hard.

And lonely.

And distant from my faith.

I did a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I hurt people.

I didn't like me one bit.

Austin has been good.

Good for my soul.

I'm back in community.

They love me, and I love them.

I'm bumbling my way back into faith.

I still screw up a lot.

But it's different now.

Still, it's not personal enough.

It's not real enough.

I want it to be real.

I want to live and breathe my faith.

I want to love you and everyone else around me because I simply can't help it.

Because I'm overflowing with it.

I want to give God my days and weeks and minutes and seconds.

Every part of my day and my life and my being.

I want to pray for people.

I've always been terrible at that.

I say that I will, and then I don't.

I want to really do it.

To be compelled toward it.

I want to live and to love, recklessly and faithfully.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;

let them ever sing for joy,

and spread your protection over them,

that those who love your name may exult in you.

Psalm 5:11