'Cause it's Thursday.

I can't tell you how many blog posts I've started over the last couple of weeks, and then subsequently deleted. It's funny, because I read blogs in which the authors are brutally, painfully honest about themselves and their struggles and their hurts and even the not-so-pleasant thoughts that scamper through their brains. I like those blogs. I like that the authors are human; I can connect with them. I get them.

As long as I don't tell them anything about me, the connection is one-sided.

I like it that way. I've always liked it that way.

What people might not know about me, because I hide it well, is that I'm extremely self-conscious. I hate people knowing things about me because they might use them against me. I'm susceptible to negative comments, to changing or hiding myself as a result of them. And doubting myself because I thought I disagreed, but maybe I'm just wrong. It doesn't even matter what we're talking about; whether it's faith issues (huge) or crying at movies (tiny).

It's hindering; it has actually prevented me at various times from pursuing things I'm passionate about because I'm not sure what people will think of me. And I'm resistant to being "labeled." Labels are limiting, at least in my own eyes. They give people ammunition, and prevent you from doing anything, from being anything, but that one thing.


At 24, I'm still not sure who I am. I'm still not confident enough in myself to blog about much more than my goofy dog (who is currently in her crate because she kept barking). And every time someone compliments me or says something about me, I play it off with a joke or a laugh or even an argument.

Tonight I don't feel well on a lot of levels, and it's fueling this tell-all. I've been eating too many sweets, drinking too much dairy, and sipping caffeine like it's my lifeblood. My sleep schedule's been all over the place, and I haven't gotten to work before 9 in two weeks -- no matter what time I jump into the shower. I was in Austin last weekend, I'm taking three trips to Houston in three days this week, and I'll be in Lufkin next week. I'm just tired.

I need a day off and a full night's rest. I need to fully commit to whatever dietary choices I'm actually making, whether it's totally vegan, vegan plus fish, lacto-ovo vegetarian or even (why not?) a full-on, meat-eating, cow-killing carnivore (probably not). I need to stop eating cake and start running. To take Bennet for walks. To figure out where I am with God and go back to church. To do yoga. To sew. To stop swearing and being cynical/reactive/cranky. To read. To go to the beach and get some vitamin D.
I can't do much tonight. I'm talking to Kali on Facebook, and then I'm going to bed. Tonight I'll get some much-needed rest. And then tomorrow, I can tackle the rest of that to-do list. After I get back from another meeting in Houston, that is.