...who is never content. I feel a bit like that today.
My job status is up in the air, as my supervisors are looking at options for my last six months of service. Two months ago I sounded the alarm of "I'm doing too much!" Two weeks ago, I ran across the room, and rang a different bell: "There's nothing for me to do!"
I wrote the following as part of my monthly report, hoping to make them understand my situation:
I know this isn’t a quarterly report, and so I don’t have to provide a narrative on challenges or accomplishments, or even just stories about the people we’re helping. Yet as I complete this report, I’m struggling to answer questions 7 & 8 ["What were the challenges of last month?" and "What are your priorities in the coming month?" respectively.]above. In the interest of transparency and honesty, my response requires more than a few bland lines.
A month ago, as I wrote my then-required narrative, I talked of hope and of determination. Of looking your challenges in the eye and overcoming them. Though I knew it would not be easy, I had resolved myself to continue in the work I committed to in February.
At the time, I was learning to balance the pressures of my position with the expectations I, and others, were placing on me. I was coming fresh off of long conversations about my actual (rather than my practiced) role with the BC-LTRC, and still figuring out how I fit. Just a couple of weeks beforehand, I had been ready to chuck it all – to give up and walk away. But I forced myself to be patient, to wait a little longer and see how things played out. And then I chose to stay.
The past month, however, has brought a whole new set of challenges. The tables have turned, and rather than being overwhelmed, I’m underwhelmed. Rather than having too much to do, I have too little to fill my hours.
The Committee has chosen to settle into relative dormancy – there is quite a bit of funding for Unmet Needs available, should any case managers need to access it. And construction has all but ceased, with the promise of CDBG funds coming into the county in the near future. The County Office of Community Development will distribute these funds, with little to no participation by the Committee.
Caught in this spiral of inactivity, I don’t feel that I’m contributing to positive outcomes in the county or even gaining anything of value from the continued experience. Some of the objectives of my position (community development, volunteer coordination) are impossible to achieve without the engagement and continued activity of the Committee. Other, more definite, objectives (compiling forms & procedures, participating in hurricane preparedness events) have been accomplished to the best of my ability. In my last quarterly review, [my supervisor] asked me to outline some of my goals for my year of service. I haven’t done it yet; I can’t even figure out what my priorities for the month are, let alone the year.
I wish I had more definite answers to the questions above. I wish I could simply provide a list of things to work on and to accomplish, and then spend my month fervently checking each item off as complete. Perhaps frustration has left me short-sighted. Perhaps there is more that I can be doing or another way of approaching the situation that I simply can’t see from here. Right now, I’m simply not sure where I’m standing, or what my next move is.
On a side note, I went home to Michigan last week. It was exhausting and lovely.
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