The seasons are finally changing, and so am I.

I rode my bike into work this morning. It was a beautiful morning along the seawall, with the sun surging through the clouds and onto the waves below. It was incredibly windy, and the ride took me nearly twice as long as I'd anticipated, but there was a crisp coolness in the air that I haven't felt in a while...

Fall.

It might not be this kind of fall:

(via Pure Michigan)

But it is a Texas kind of fall. When the heat starts to fade away, the nights are cool, and we remember why we choose to live here. It's at least the kind that lets me wear hoodies in the evening and walk out the door without thinking I'm going to melt right into the sidewalk.

I keep forgetting that it's nearly October. Last night at 11pm, as I was driving home from watching a movie with the guys, it was still 77 degrees. It was a perfect evening, save for the mosquitoes (thanks, recent rainfall, for bringing those jerks back), and I kind of wished I could just sit outside and soak it up. But I was exhausted, so to bed I went.

So many of you have been praying for me lately, as I make some major decisions.

I hardly know what to say about it, but that God has used the generosity of friends and strangers alike to ensure that I can continue making my home here in Texas. Because one person believed in me, and because he was able to convince others of the same, a huge portion of my rent for the next year will be paid in full when I move to Austin this weekend.

Even now, typing those words, I'm overwhelmed by it nearly to the point of tears. I'm grateful, so grateful, and yet I don't feel deserving of this honor or this esteem. I've made poor choices, I've done stupid things. Why am I considered good enough to invest in? In the same token, it's a hard thing for my pride to accept help, and yet I know that I have few resources of my own right now to make this happen.

Suddenly I'm so much more aware of my tiniest choices. I'm hesitant to be careless with my time and money, knowing that I have the goodness of others backing me. The gift was anonymous, and I don't even know if the people who have given me this chance actually know who I am or anything defining about me. But I want to honor them anyway. I want to honor God. 

I want to live a life worthy of this gift.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

~Hebrews 12:1,2

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
~Matthew 6:33,34

Weighing My Options

It's been a rough week.

A lot of emotions exploded all over the place, especially on Thursday. I hadn't slept much the night before, and every fear, hindrance, and roadblock that could possibly come up was coming up. So I was a wreck. My eyes were perpetually puffy.


Here's the truth about this move: I'm scared. For good reason. If I wasn't approaching this cautiously, I would be approaching it unwisely. So I'm allowing myself, for the moment, to examine all possibilities for my future:


1) Return to Michigan and move back in with the parents. 
Pros: Family, friends nearby. Rent-free. Fall.
Cons: Family ALL THE TIME. Adding Bennet to the menagerie, but having to be super cautious with her because it's a parsonage. Even fewer jobs in the area than here. Winter.

2) Allow a friend to co-sign a lease for me and move to Austin.
Pros: Austin. Lots of new churches to choose from. Low unemployment rate. Just me and Bennet. Summer dresses ALL YEAR LONG.
Cons: Rent. Utilities. No actual guarantee of a job. Having to breach the friend relationship with a financial contract. No fall.

3) Stay here.
Note: This wasn't actually supposed to be an option. But yesterday at work as I was making biscotti and cookies and talking with the students and writing a letter of inquiry for a grant request, I realized something: I really like my job. Sure, it was just supposed to be a stop-gap, temporary thing and it's gone on a little longer, but I actually like it, and some of it is even continuing to grow my marketable experience, which is great.
Pros: Job. Job that I like. No moving (sort of?). Beeeeeaaaach.
Cons: Galveston. No church home to speak of, after more than a year. Have to get a second job. Still have to move and find a new home. Not actually sure how long Kyle will let me keep the job I have.

I can't actually tell you what I want or what's right yet. This is easily one of the hardest and most pressing decisions I've ever had to make, and I don't want to choose wrongly.

I'll let you know what I figure out.

Prayers are (always) appreciated.


Much love (still) from Texas,

CaroJo

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”- Romans 5:3-4

I can't sleep.

Bennet's laying next to me. She's passed out. I wish I could be.

Today I put a deposit down on an apartment in Austin. But I don't have a job yet, and I have a suspicion that it's going to be denied. I don't think my mom makes enough money to actually qualify as a guarantor - they want her to have 6 times the monthly rent. That's insane, though I understand their position. They're just assuming she has other bills to pay and helping to ensure she'll have enough to cover my rent if necessary.

This is not the way this was all supposed to go.

And now I'm starting to panic, starting to give up, starting to just want to be around people I know and love, because at least then I won't be dealing with this alone.

There's something about change and impending unknown that makes you incredibly lonely.
I'm here, alone, dealing with my own uncertainty, my own insecurities, alone. Lately I've been realizing how many friendships just aren't there anymore. At least not in a way that lets me call them at 1:15am, crying because life just isn't going the way it should, and many in a way that I don't feel like I can call them at all. Former best friends, who I haven't talked to in months. Some of it's my fault; I'm terrible at calling. Some of it's not.

Maybe I should just move back home.

Bennet is eating her breakfast, which means I have a few minutes to type this. She's not a fast eater.

I have made an important first decision regarding my life:

I'm moving to Austin.

I don't have a job, I don't have a place to stay.

Yet.

But it was stepping out in faith that brought me here to Texas.

And it's a leap I'm going to take again.

I've wanted to move to Austin since I first got to this state. And even when I drove up to my interview last week, I was confident that it was the place for me.

Today I'll start (continue?) putting out inquiries about apartments and jobs - whatever job will pay the bills.

If you know anybody in Austin, no matter what the industry (okay, within reason...there are certain "adult" industries I'm not interested in. Not that you wouldn't have assumed that. But I'm just saying.), and you think they might have something open, please let me know.

Much love (and boldness) from Tejas,

CaroJo

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arms.

It's 9am, and I'm waiting for Luke to stop talking so I can continue working.

That's a funny image when you don't know the context. So ponder what it means for a moment...

Okay, really he's just doing the volunteer orientation, and I'm painting tables. But I'd prefer not to be a distraction, so I'm waiting until he's done to move and sand them. But since this is the only thing I need to do today, I'm just hanging out and waiting for him.

Today is the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Ike, and so a big group of volunteers has come in from several churches around Galveston and Houston. It's exciting to see them here, ready to work. I was thinking about helping, but I may not end up doing so today.

The truth is, I can't seem to keep much straight in my brain this week. I forgot all about the anniversary, just as I forgot all about the birthday celebration for one of the island priests yesterday. The amount of things on my brain are enough to shove out the minor details, but I also don't do well without structure, and things have been all out of whack the last few weeks.

I looked up a bunch of jobs again yesterday, but I got overwhelmed and didn't start working on applications for any of them. The windows are still open, and that may very well be what I actually do this afternoon.

Okay, he's done. Back to work for me!

I will call you Betty. Betty Wetty, you can call me Al.

If I told you what I did today, and then told you how tired I am as a result of it, you'd judge me.

Seriously. I've done nothing today, and I feel like I could fall asleep now, at 7:45pm, just 1.5 hours after waking up from a nap.

Okay, to say I've done nothing isn't quite fair. I did rearrange some of my junk, sorting out a bunch of stuff to take to Goodwill and a bunch of stuff to take to the trash can, then reorganizing what was left. The new intern for the house will be moving in sometime soon (we're not sure when), and I have to get my stuff out of the house at that point. I'm only half moved-out; Bennet and I are staying with a friend until I figure out what I'm doing next. But that's time-limited too -- his lease runs out at the end of the month, so I have a maximum of three weeks to decide and act.

Tomorrow I really need to do something more than bum around. I only have to go to one job, and then I have the afternoon free. I have a to-do list already formulating in my head for those hours, which includes applying for jobs and sewing and rearranging more of my things.

I was trying not to, but I know now that I banked all of my future plans and energy on the Austin job. Now that I know it's not going to work out, I feel overwhelmingly lost. I'm probably going to sound like a broken record on this over the next few weeks, and for that I apologize in advance.

Before the month is out, I may decide to simply pick up and go, moving to Austin anyway and looking for a job once I'm there. The idea is terrifying to me, and my pride will hardly let me believe that it's an okay thing to do. As much as I say I'd be okay with a barista or waitressing or whatever job, I know it's not really what I want, nor what I'm capable of. Writing that feels greedy, though, especially knowing how many people in the country, with valuable skills far exceeding my own, are currently out of work. What right do I have to be prideful, to demand a fulfilling job?

Oy. I hate adulthood sometimes. I wish it were easier than this. I wish I didn't have the student loans and other bills that I do. I wish I could just forget about a job and spend my life volunteering, traveling, doing what I want to do rather than what's right or expected.

Oy.

Hail to the victors valiant, hail to the conquering heroes.

I'm currently sitting at work, though I'm not at work per se. I'm watching the Michigan (GO BLUE!) game against Notre Dame. I feel awkward yelling at the TV alone, even though I want to; there are people in here playing ping pong, and they may not appreciate my "sports tourrets". You should know, however, that I'm cheering loudly and even singing along to Hail to the Victors on the inside. But holy cow, those commercials for "The Michigan Difference" make me miss Ann Arbor.

I have important things I ought to be doing right now, but I'd rather not bog down my near-perfect Saturday afternoon with something silly like responsibilities. I actually got to sleep in this morning, which may mean that I woke up at a quarter past seven, but that was enough. I laid in bed for a while, read, cuddled with the puppy, and finally rolled out of bed sometime close to nine. Then I parked myself on the couch and watched a movie.

It was rough, I'm telling you.

I've needed the break. Working 40-50 hours the past few weeks has worn me out. I finished my two-turned-three-week stint at the local college bookstore yesterday afternoon. It turned out to be a really fun temporary job, but I'm glad to leave behind those long days constantly on my feet. Maybe now I'll have enough energy to start running regularly again.

And time to apply for jobs. Yesterday evening, I heard back from the organization in Austin that I interviewed with, and was disappointed to learn that I was not chosen for the position. I also got three or four other rejection emails and letters this week, so I'm a little disheartened by the job search process at the moment. Not to mention that I have a lot of big decisions to make that I was hoping to avoid. Do I stay in Galveston for a while? How long? Do I just move and hope for the best? Do I go home to Michigan? Go back to school? Grad school? An alternate training program?

In any case, I can't thank y'all enough for your prayers and well wishes last week as I prepared for and went to my interview. I'm holding tightly to the idea that this job simply wasn't the right one, and that there IS an opportunity out there for me. I don't know when I'll find it, but I'm certain that I will...eventually. Even if it means side-stepping and pursuing other avenues in the meantime.

I don't have many other leads, so I guess hope is the best thing I can cling to.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

~From "Hope" by Emily Dickinson

I'm going to need a lot of coffee.

It's 6:11am.

I'm usually up at this time.

But I've usually had more sleep.

I had trouble falling asleep last night.

Then I had a horrible cramp in my leg (it's still tense).

And then I had strange dreams about batman.

Seriously...batman.

I don't even know.

Apparently this is what I do the night before an interview.

Today's the day.

I need to head upstairs in just a few minutes to get ready.

I'm nervous.

I called Madre last night.

Late...11:30 her time.

I was so jittery, I needed to talk to someone.

She told me I have about "4 million people praying for" me today.

It's true, I know.

She's also choosing to assume I'll get this job.

I don't know about that.

But I do know I have 8 hours of driving ahead of me today.

And that I have to pick up my suit from the dry cleaner's.

So I guess I should go get ready now.

Much love from Texas,

C-Jo

P.S. Do you, or have you ever, used the word "wonky?" It has recently been suggested to me that it might be a Northern thing. I'm trying to figure out if it's a Carolyn thing instead.