Random Josie Conversations.

Josie: Let's get a silver bullet trailer and have a baby boy. - Regina Spektor
Words I should live by.
Cause that's really what I need.
me: a silver bullet and a baby?
I mean, I appreciate Regina Spektor's idealism, but that spells trailer trash to me.
Josie: I was thinking a way to move across the country freely, without ties!
Now I'm just gonna be sad when I hear that song.
Regina deserves so much better for herself.



I miss Josie. She should quit school and come back to Texas. Except not if it's not the best thing for her. Yeah.

These are my people!

This is the ministry I work with: http://galvestondailynews.com/story.lasso?ewcd=0bb0549e1bd0f0bd


Whoo!

On loneliness.

lone⋅ly /ˈloʊnli/[lohn-lee]
–adjective, -li⋅er, -li⋅est.
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak
5. standing apart; isolated

On the days when I feel most lonely, I find myself on facebook, searching my friends' profiles for something to comment on so that they can reply, affirming my connection to the world. Don't even try telling me you don't do it too.

Loneliness, most often, has little to do with physical proximity, and everything to do with emotional connectivity.

I was thinking about all this this morning as I made my Friday-morning trek back to Galveston from Lake Jackson. There, I'm part of the group, but skirting around the margins, unable to fully engage simply because I'm not always physically around. Here, I'm around most of the time, but not always on the same plane mentally or emotionally.

It's a strange dichotomy, and yet one that I see great opportunity in. In the midst of my struggle to become connected on every level, I find myself failing and learning to find strength in myself and, more importantly, in God.

I have no doubt that His hand led me to Texas, and opened doors to a home, and friends, and a solid church. In some ways, it was too easy. It all happened quickly and smoothly, without any real opportunity for me to seek Him, to beg Him, to depend on Him.

Now, in this funny in-between state, the tables have shifted. My physical needs are still met, but I crave the spiritual link I had in LJ, where I shared life with people of similar mind and heart.

Right now I'm tottering about on my own, having had my spiritual crutch of good friends removed.

It's lonely here. And that's okay. It forces me to look past others to something Bigger.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

And, even when I feel crummy and whiney (which is often, let's face it):

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Love from TX,

c.jo

No more adulthood, please.

I got two bits of new this week that make me want to turn in my driver's license, credit cards, and license to be an adult and return to the bliss of childhood:*

1) My grandpa's getting married.

I should be happy for him, I know. That's what good granddaughters do. But it's so hard for me to accept, when I think of my grandmother and grieve for her so often, even two years after her death. Perhaps, in some ways, I'm also grieving for the life I had back then.



2) My dad is *probably* losing his job.

It's been back and forth, up and down, and around the corner for months, and even years. At this point, its probably just going to happen. I know I don't live at home anymore, and so in many ways, that news doesn't affect me. But it means that my rock of stability that, even as a 20-something adult, I lean on will be shaken. And in Michigan's poopy economy, I have no idea what will happen. I fear for them, for the decisions and struggles that they face.


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.



(Please pray for my family.)










*Okay, not quite. The memorable years of childhood (as opposed to prepubescence and adolescence) were marked by my parents' divorced years. I'm much happier with them together.

Lunch Fail.

I had leftovers from last week in the fridge. I heated up my artichoke pizza only to discover that a meal I was only luke-warm on the first time around was kind of gross the second time several days later. I threw it out and opened the fridge again.

The second alternative, a rather boring "let's just throw a few veggies on bread and add mayo and cheese so that we have a vegetarian option" sandwich, didn't hold any more promise, especially when I noticed the once-green, now-brown avocado. Ick.

That went into the trash too.

I opened the other fridge. They had lasagna on Sunday evening, and there was supposedly a lot left. A lot has dwindled to ONE PIECE. One sad, lonely piece of lasagna that looked at me with its tomatoey self and said "I am meat, I am cheese, and I am little else."

I told Luke there was one piece left (which he ran for) and grabbed my car keys.

I'm going to chalk this up to the fact that I've only actually LIVED on the island two and a half weeks, but I don't think I had realized how incredibly LOOOOOOONG the seawall is. My office is at one end of it. McAllister's Deli, which I decided that I wanted food from, is apparently on the other end. Which I would know if I had any sense of distance whatsoever.

I didn't make it. I pulled off to get Mediterranean instead. And then drove back to my office, suddenly realizing just how far I'd traveled in my high-maintenance quest for food. The food was good, but it was far. For reals.

Overall lunchtime fail.


Much love from Texas,

CtotheAtotheRtotheOtotheJo!

Life Lessons.

Thus far, 2009 has been a year of learning. Mostly about myself. About what I'm capable of, about how I react to situations I face. About who I truly am, who I've been hiding, and who I want to be at the end of it all. Most of the introspection has been informal: some little thing flips a switch and the light bulb floating above my head clicks on. Some of it has been more formalized: taking a test (a real test, not a facebook meme), the results of which make me say, "Holy cow, I think the people who wrote this have been standing in my living room watching me for the past 23.5 years!"

It's been interesting and enlightening both.

Also, typing 23.5 just made me feel really old. My apologies to those with more years than I...I simply can't figure out how I got to this age. I was just 15 yesterday, right?

It's raining.

It has been for a few days now. Nonstop. Pouring at times. Thunderstorms occasionally.

This is good because:
1) We've been in a drought for nearly a year. Apparently Lake Travis up by Austin is 50 feet below where it should be. The land neeeeeds the rain.
2) I just love rain. I love the soothing sounds it makes when it hits the roof. I love snuggling up cozy in my bed and falling asleep to it.
3) It's a great excuse to lay around all day. Right now I'm on the couch with the dog ignoring the TV because Maggie has Television ADD and I can't handle the constant switching. There's a puppy at my feet and cupcakes in the kitchen. Life doesn't get much better than this.
4) I pulled out a hoodie last night for the first time in four months. FOUR MONTHS. I love wearing hoodies, and I couldn't because I live in Texas and IT'S HOT AS HADES here. The high today is only 82. I'm not even sure I remember what 82 degrees feels like.


However, the rain is bad because:
1) It's raining IN THE HOUSE. In Luke's room, specifically. Under his doorway is a city of buckets that forms the capital of towel-land. We switch the towels out and empty the buckets regularly. And yet it keeps on coming.
2) We might flood. For reals. Not like a storm-surge-type flood. But streets with several inches of water in them.
3) I kind of want to go for a run. But it's icky.


Ooh, more thunder.

Napping Carolyn = Happy Carolyn.

All I wanted this afternoon was a nap.

But Maggie woke me up twice. Once unintentionally; she found out she's been reinstated to grooms(wo)man in a friend's wedding and has to wear a long red dress. I had just fallen asleep when a distraught "Carolyn!" was bellowed up the stairs. The second time was intentional; she wanted me to move my stuff so she could have the washing machine. She was a little gentler with round two, but I still threw a flip flop at her. I got up, looked at the machines, motioned (not spoke...I wasn't to a word-friendly awakeness yet) for her to just move it, and fell back on my bed.

I slept for two hours. And it was good.

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days, besides running around Galveston and Lake Jackson (and Pearland, actually) with friends and putting the final touches on my move. Some things that have happened lately have given me the opportunity to examine my own heart, my own motives, my own life. Little things, and yet they spark many more moments of self-inquiry and reflection.

I have a lot to learn about life, and a lot to learn about me.

Right now, though, I just need to finish cleaning the kitchen.

Much love from Texas.

Moving = Realizing Consumer Fail.

Holy pile o' stuff. I need to sort and purge.