I'm sure to do a post on the curveballs of my life soon, but there are certain people I need to tell first. I don't like my close friends finding out major happenings via my blog.
Much love from Texas,
Carolyn
Monday, August 31, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
His name is Erwin.
I shared my bathroom with a gecko this morning. I was in the shower when I saw him scurry across the back of the tub. I may have screeched a bit. He hid behind my lotion bottle, then tucked himself next to the tub. After a minute or so he disappeared, but he popped up again a couple of times while I was getting ready for the day. I was going to help him find his way back outside, but he didn't like that idea, so I resolved myself to having a roommate and named him Erwin.
Erwin came into my life just following a funk-breaking, early-morning run. We did 34 minutes, of which I walked no more than 6. I think...I intended to reset the watch after the 5-minute warm-up walk, but I may have not actually done it. It was dang early and DARK. So whether it was 23 minutes or 28, I RAN MORE THAN 10 MINUTES. And that's the important thing here.
Though I still find myself in the category of "that girl." You know, the one who can't quite keep up. Who'd rather sit on the sidelines than huff and puff her way around the field. I've caught up to where Jen and Lauren were 3 weeks ago, but they're still ahead of me, and that's aggravating. Athletics have never been my strong suit, but I don't come in last (in ANYTHING) easily.
Oh, hello competitive nature. Where have you been all my life?
Erwin came into my life just following a funk-breaking, early-morning run. We did 34 minutes, of which I walked no more than 6. I think...I intended to reset the watch after the 5-minute warm-up walk, but I may have not actually done it. It was dang early and DARK. So whether it was 23 minutes or 28, I RAN MORE THAN 10 MINUTES. And that's the important thing here.
Though I still find myself in the category of "that girl." You know, the one who can't quite keep up. Who'd rather sit on the sidelines than huff and puff her way around the field. I've caught up to where Jen and Lauren were 3 weeks ago, but they're still ahead of me, and that's aggravating. Athletics have never been my strong suit, but I don't come in last (in ANYTHING) easily.
Oh, hello competitive nature. Where have you been all my life?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Have you ever had...
...one of those light bulb moments when suddenly that one thing that you've been thinking about suddenly comes into focus, and you understand it like never before?
I just had one.
I'm always late. Always. I typically have a really good excuse for it. Sometimes it's really not my fault. Most often it is. Sometimes I'm late by a few minutes, sometimes by much, much more.
There are a lot of factors that play into this -- my habitual messiness makes finding keys, sunglasses, and cell phones nearly impossible at times, traffic and construction impede travel but rest outside of my control, other delays of my own making push my arrival past timeliness.
I will say this, though (this is the light bulb): There is a certain part of being late that I enjoy. It prevents me from standing around awkwardly waiting for something to start. And it draws the attention to me when I walk in a room.
And yet, tardiness impedes efficiency, garners frustration in others, and prevents the formation of an effective working environment. It tells those waiting that I don't value their time, or even them as a person/friend/colleague. It leaves me tense and apologetic, others tense and aggravated. It shows lack of responsibility, lack of discipline, lack of dependability.
To make it worse, I'm often quick to become frustrated when others don't respect my time and arrive late to our meet-ups (Oh, look! There's a very large log in my eye!).
I've made a commitment to myself to change. Admittedly, I failed my first test: arriving at work on time this morning. I chose frugality and timeliness over buying/making my lunch (I brought leftover fish...which I got yesterday only because we were at a seafood restaurant with a seafood-only menu...blah), but I didn't account for the school traffic that I KNEW would be an issue.
BUT it's still a step in the right direction. And, as they keep saying at BPF (I'm pretty excited for the series we started yesterday), Direction, not intention, determines destination.
I just had one.
I'm always late. Always. I typically have a really good excuse for it. Sometimes it's really not my fault. Most often it is. Sometimes I'm late by a few minutes, sometimes by much, much more.
There are a lot of factors that play into this -- my habitual messiness makes finding keys, sunglasses, and cell phones nearly impossible at times, traffic and construction impede travel but rest outside of my control, other delays of my own making push my arrival past timeliness.
I will say this, though (this is the light bulb): There is a certain part of being late that I enjoy. It prevents me from standing around awkwardly waiting for something to start. And it draws the attention to me when I walk in a room.
And yet, tardiness impedes efficiency, garners frustration in others, and prevents the formation of an effective working environment. It tells those waiting that I don't value their time, or even them as a person/friend/colleague. It leaves me tense and apologetic, others tense and aggravated. It shows lack of responsibility, lack of discipline, lack of dependability.
To make it worse, I'm often quick to become frustrated when others don't respect my time and arrive late to our meet-ups (Oh, look! There's a very large log in my eye!).
I've made a commitment to myself to change. Admittedly, I failed my first test: arriving at work on time this morning. I chose frugality and timeliness over buying/making my lunch (I brought leftover fish...which I got yesterday only because we were at a seafood restaurant with a seafood-only menu...blah), but I didn't account for the school traffic that I KNEW would be an issue.
BUT it's still a step in the right direction. And, as they keep saying at BPF (I'm pretty excited for the series we started yesterday), Direction, not intention, determines destination.
Friday, August 21, 2009
The area under my desk...
...would be a great place for a nap. Seriously. Despite my best efforts, I didn't sleep well last night. And because Betty is off today, there's not even a pot of coffee to rouse me.
Blech.
Blech.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I really wanted to go...
...shopping yesterday. It's back-to-school time, and there are sales EVERYWHERE. Or so I hear. And yet I have just 10 days left in my self-imposed two-month shopping moratorium. I've broken it only three times. Wait, four:
1) Evil wedding shoes that hurt my feet two minutes into the ceremony. Thank God they're not Catholic (Wedding-related. Doesn't count).
2) Two sparkly scarves from Rue 21. I spent a total of $3.00, including tax. Does count. My first and and major tsk tsk.
3) Earrings and a T-shirt from the Daraja Children's Choir of Africa. It supports their amazing ministry, so it doesn't really count, right? Right?
4) Yellow clutch for the wedding (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE and will actually use again...even though it was the cheapest thing I bought for the event. Go figure). I used a Target gift card, and it's wedding-related, so it also doesn't count, right?
Oops, six times:
6) A pair of jeans from Plato's Closet (DKNY for only $18.00!). But I sold two pair back first, so they really only cost me six...okay, fine. Tsk tsk.
5) A silver chain (wedding-related...doesn't count!) and a silver flower ring (not wedding-related, but for which I ALSO used "fake" money via a gift card...doesn't count?).
All in all, I'd say I've done really well. Not shopping has forced me to look at the things I own and reevaluate. Rather than buying a new pair of pants, I'll just hem the one I own. And FINALLY make that skirt I've been working on for ages. And pair that top with that skirt, even though I'd never thought to do it before.
Not having my credit cards at my disposal is really changing my outlook too. If I spend my grocery money on shoes, I don't have a convenient plastic card to pick up the tab. Even more, when funds are limited, you start to place greater value on the things you already own.
Strangely enough, I think I might prefer it this way.
1) Evil wedding shoes that hurt my feet two minutes into the ceremony. Thank God they're not Catholic (Wedding-related. Doesn't count).
2) Two sparkly scarves from Rue 21. I spent a total of $3.00, including tax. Does count. My first and and major tsk tsk.
3) Earrings and a T-shirt from the Daraja Children's Choir of Africa. It supports their amazing ministry, so it doesn't really count, right? Right?
4) Yellow clutch for the wedding (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE and will actually use again...even though it was the cheapest thing I bought for the event. Go figure). I used a Target gift card, and it's wedding-related, so it also doesn't count, right?
Oops, six times:
6) A pair of jeans from Plato's Closet (DKNY for only $18.00!). But I sold two pair back first, so they really only cost me six...okay, fine. Tsk tsk.
5) A silver chain (wedding-related...doesn't count!) and a silver flower ring (not wedding-related, but for which I ALSO used "fake" money via a gift card...doesn't count?).
All in all, I'd say I've done really well. Not shopping has forced me to look at the things I own and reevaluate. Rather than buying a new pair of pants, I'll just hem the one I own. And FINALLY make that skirt I've been working on for ages. And pair that top with that skirt, even though I'd never thought to do it before.
Not having my credit cards at my disposal is really changing my outlook too. If I spend my grocery money on shoes, I don't have a convenient plastic card to pick up the tab. Even more, when funds are limited, you start to place greater value on the things you already own.
Strangely enough, I think I might prefer it this way.
Most of my CD's...
...are stashed in a box in a storage unit in Michigan. Thanks to the wonderful and tiny technology of mp3 players, it's no longer necessary to haul a bunch of plastic discs around. I still kept a few in my car for a long time, but then my CD player decided to overheat and self-destruct, so that stopped too.
Nonetheless, I managed to grab a handful of CDs this morning as I headed out the door. I get maybe one non-Country radio station in on my little clock radio at work, and the constant repeat (I think I've heard Seal's Kiss From a Rose half a million times in the past two days) starts to really bug me after a while.
In my stash are several Contemporary Christian artists (Jars of Clay, Relient K, Shawn McDonald, Jeremy Camp, Smalltown Poets), one Eric Clapton disc, and the Daraja Children's Choir of Africa, bought straight from the source at their recent BPF concert.
Seeing as I have little real work to do, I've been working my way through the stack and thinking about "Christian" music. It has a bad reputation, and I'm not one to always defend it. Some of it is good, even great. But some of it really is bad (really really bad). Unfortunately, stringing Jesus throughout your lyrics doesn't automatically unleash God's blessing of superhuman talent (despite what some folks think).
When it comes to my music, I like what I like. Sometimes I have reasons, and sometimes I don't. I like some "Christian" music. I like some "secular" music.
But I don't like modern worship music. It's fine, and it works for congregational singing. I've even been moved beyond understanding by it. But to listen to? No no no. Please give me something else. Please please please PLEASE.
The Daraja CD is all modern worship. It really isn't music I love. Listening to it today, it invoked good memories of beautiful children and their joy for God. But it didn't do much otherwise.
Except, just possibly, shift my focus.
I love classic rock, but it will never do for me what one worship song can. Even if you hate the lyrics, hate the melody, hate the endless repetition (oy...and some churches are REALLY good at that part), you can't deny that it shifts your focus. It reminds you about God -- if it didn't, it wouldn't be much of a worship song, right?
I can listen to sappy love songs all day (I really am a hopeless romantic), but all they do is remind me that I'm single. They remind me of what I hope for. In any case, they're about me.
Even a lot of Christian music is inwardly focused. It's about the experience of the songwriter, as a Christ-follower and as a human. And when I listen to it, I compare my own experiences. I relate. And I think about me.
Worship music -- whether it's the stuff you hear and sing along to on Sunday, or it's that one song on a CD that just drops you to your knees -- is about GOD (okay, there are some "worship" songs that are all, "Hey, God, bless me!" but I'm not talking about those...that's a whole separate issue). It's about putting me on hold and taking a moment to remember that it's about Him, not about me.
That's important: it really isn't about me. Or you. Or any of us.
It's all about Him.
Nonetheless, I managed to grab a handful of CDs this morning as I headed out the door. I get maybe one non-Country radio station in on my little clock radio at work, and the constant repeat (I think I've heard Seal's Kiss From a Rose half a million times in the past two days) starts to really bug me after a while.
In my stash are several Contemporary Christian artists (Jars of Clay, Relient K, Shawn McDonald, Jeremy Camp, Smalltown Poets), one Eric Clapton disc, and the Daraja Children's Choir of Africa, bought straight from the source at their recent BPF concert.
Seeing as I have little real work to do, I've been working my way through the stack and thinking about "Christian" music. It has a bad reputation, and I'm not one to always defend it. Some of it is good, even great. But some of it really is bad (really really bad). Unfortunately, stringing Jesus throughout your lyrics doesn't automatically unleash God's blessing of superhuman talent (despite what some folks think).
When it comes to my music, I like what I like. Sometimes I have reasons, and sometimes I don't. I like some "Christian" music. I like some "secular" music.
But I don't like modern worship music. It's fine, and it works for congregational singing. I've even been moved beyond understanding by it. But to listen to? No no no. Please give me something else. Please please please PLEASE.
The Daraja CD is all modern worship. It really isn't music I love. Listening to it today, it invoked good memories of beautiful children and their joy for God. But it didn't do much otherwise.
Except, just possibly, shift my focus.
I love classic rock, but it will never do for me what one worship song can. Even if you hate the lyrics, hate the melody, hate the endless repetition (oy...and some churches are REALLY good at that part), you can't deny that it shifts your focus. It reminds you about God -- if it didn't, it wouldn't be much of a worship song, right?
I can listen to sappy love songs all day (I really am a hopeless romantic), but all they do is remind me that I'm single. They remind me of what I hope for. In any case, they're about me.
Even a lot of Christian music is inwardly focused. It's about the experience of the songwriter, as a Christ-follower and as a human. And when I listen to it, I compare my own experiences. I relate. And I think about me.
Worship music -- whether it's the stuff you hear and sing along to on Sunday, or it's that one song on a CD that just drops you to your knees -- is about GOD (okay, there are some "worship" songs that are all, "Hey, God, bless me!" but I'm not talking about those...that's a whole separate issue). It's about putting me on hold and taking a moment to remember that it's about Him, not about me.
That's important: it really isn't about me. Or you. Or any of us.
It's all about Him.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I don't want to be the person...
...who is never content. I feel a bit like that today.
My job status is up in the air, as my supervisors are looking at options for my last six months of service. Two months ago I sounded the alarm of "I'm doing too much!" Two weeks ago, I ran across the room, and rang a different bell: "There's nothing for me to do!"
I wrote the following as part of my monthly report, hoping to make them understand my situation:
I know this isn’t a quarterly report, and so I don’t have to provide a narrative on challenges or accomplishments, or even just stories about the people we’re helping. Yet as I complete this report, I’m struggling to answer questions 7 & 8 ["What were the challenges of last month?" and "What are your priorities in the coming month?" respectively.]above. In the interest of transparency and honesty, my response requires more than a few bland lines.
A month ago, as I wrote my then-required narrative, I talked of hope and of determination. Of looking your challenges in the eye and overcoming them. Though I knew it would not be easy, I had resolved myself to continue in the work I committed to in February.
At the time, I was learning to balance the pressures of my position with the expectations I, and others, were placing on me. I was coming fresh off of long conversations about my actual (rather than my practiced) role with the BC-LTRC, and still figuring out how I fit. Just a couple of weeks beforehand, I had been ready to chuck it all – to give up and walk away. But I forced myself to be patient, to wait a little longer and see how things played out. And then I chose to stay.
The past month, however, has brought a whole new set of challenges. The tables have turned, and rather than being overwhelmed, I’m underwhelmed. Rather than having too much to do, I have too little to fill my hours.
The Committee has chosen to settle into relative dormancy – there is quite a bit of funding for Unmet Needs available, should any case managers need to access it. And construction has all but ceased, with the promise of CDBG funds coming into the county in the near future. The County Office of Community Development will distribute these funds, with little to no participation by the Committee.
Caught in this spiral of inactivity, I don’t feel that I’m contributing to positive outcomes in the county or even gaining anything of value from the continued experience. Some of the objectives of my position (community development, volunteer coordination) are impossible to achieve without the engagement and continued activity of the Committee. Other, more definite, objectives (compiling forms & procedures, participating in hurricane preparedness events) have been accomplished to the best of my ability. In my last quarterly review, [my supervisor] asked me to outline some of my goals for my year of service. I haven’t done it yet; I can’t even figure out what my priorities for the month are, let alone the year.
I wish I had more definite answers to the questions above. I wish I could simply provide a list of things to work on and to accomplish, and then spend my month fervently checking each item off as complete. Perhaps frustration has left me short-sighted. Perhaps there is more that I can be doing or another way of approaching the situation that I simply can’t see from here. Right now, I’m simply not sure where I’m standing, or what my next move is.
On a side note, I went home to Michigan last week. It was exhausting and lovely.
My job status is up in the air, as my supervisors are looking at options for my last six months of service. Two months ago I sounded the alarm of "I'm doing too much!" Two weeks ago, I ran across the room, and rang a different bell: "There's nothing for me to do!"
I wrote the following as part of my monthly report, hoping to make them understand my situation:
I know this isn’t a quarterly report, and so I don’t have to provide a narrative on challenges or accomplishments, or even just stories about the people we’re helping. Yet as I complete this report, I’m struggling to answer questions 7 & 8 ["What were the challenges of last month?" and "What are your priorities in the coming month?" respectively.]above. In the interest of transparency and honesty, my response requires more than a few bland lines.
A month ago, as I wrote my then-required narrative, I talked of hope and of determination. Of looking your challenges in the eye and overcoming them. Though I knew it would not be easy, I had resolved myself to continue in the work I committed to in February.
At the time, I was learning to balance the pressures of my position with the expectations I, and others, were placing on me. I was coming fresh off of long conversations about my actual (rather than my practiced) role with the BC-LTRC, and still figuring out how I fit. Just a couple of weeks beforehand, I had been ready to chuck it all – to give up and walk away. But I forced myself to be patient, to wait a little longer and see how things played out. And then I chose to stay.
The past month, however, has brought a whole new set of challenges. The tables have turned, and rather than being overwhelmed, I’m underwhelmed. Rather than having too much to do, I have too little to fill my hours.
The Committee has chosen to settle into relative dormancy – there is quite a bit of funding for Unmet Needs available, should any case managers need to access it. And construction has all but ceased, with the promise of CDBG funds coming into the county in the near future. The County Office of Community Development will distribute these funds, with little to no participation by the Committee.
Caught in this spiral of inactivity, I don’t feel that I’m contributing to positive outcomes in the county or even gaining anything of value from the continued experience. Some of the objectives of my position (community development, volunteer coordination) are impossible to achieve without the engagement and continued activity of the Committee. Other, more definite, objectives (compiling forms & procedures, participating in hurricane preparedness events) have been accomplished to the best of my ability. In my last quarterly review, [my supervisor] asked me to outline some of my goals for my year of service. I haven’t done it yet; I can’t even figure out what my priorities for the month are, let alone the year.
I wish I had more definite answers to the questions above. I wish I could simply provide a list of things to work on and to accomplish, and then spend my month fervently checking each item off as complete. Perhaps frustration has left me short-sighted. Perhaps there is more that I can be doing or another way of approaching the situation that I simply can’t see from here. Right now, I’m simply not sure where I’m standing, or what my next move is.
On a side note, I went home to Michigan last week. It was exhausting and lovely.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I ran...
...2.22 miles in 25 minutes last night.
Our 5K is in 3.5 weeks...I'll be so ready you could stick a fork in me. My goal is all three miles in 30 minutes. I've got a little work to do to pick up the pace, but the time to do it. More sleep and less donuts (I was weak...I stopped at Shipley today) would help too. ;)
This is it: Beneezy Purple Monkey Fun Run
Lauren and I are going to run it together, and then we'll immediately start our 1/2 Marathon training. I can't believe I'm actually at this point!
Our 5K is in 3.5 weeks...I'll be so ready you could stick a fork in me. My goal is all three miles in 30 minutes. I've got a little work to do to pick up the pace, but the time to do it. More sleep and less donuts (I was weak...I stopped at Shipley today) would help too. ;)
This is it: Beneezy Purple Monkey Fun Run
Lauren and I are going to run it together, and then we'll immediately start our 1/2 Marathon training. I can't believe I'm actually at this point!
Friday, August 7, 2009
I will not be a slave...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I still can't believe it's....
...August already. Wasn't it just January? Wasn't I just turning 23 and preparing to embark on a journey into the world?
Right now I'm seriously on the verge of falling asleep at my desk.
Right now I'm seriously on the verge of falling asleep at my desk.
I already owe a dollar...
...in my little experiment. And those are just the times that I caught myself (or Lauren caught me. She was all too happy to "help" out).
In other news, I stayed up until 2:30am (maybe closer to 3?) last night. I blame my teacher friends who have nothing to do and nowhere to be in the summer. Though I may have instigated some of the madness, which included The Breakfast Club, cinnamon rolls, and pillow fights. This morning I rolled off of Amy and Lauren's couch at 6:15ish and dragged myself home to get ready for work. My normal route changed a tad, as I decided Hastings was a necessary stop for caffeine before the workday began.
Before the movie and craziness, Lauren and I ran two miles last night. Then we got excited and started looking up races for after the 5K we're planning for September. We both want to run a marathon someday, and decided that we might as well do it somewhere fun. We're shooting for Rome, Paris, or the Gold Coast (Australia) in 2011. We figure that we might as well make a vacation out of it. Amy's in for the trip, though maybe not the run.
Hi, my name is Carolyn, and I'm a recovering couch potato.
(Also, my apologies for the rambly weirdness of this post. I haven't had enough sleep to clean it up or make it entertaining. Much love.)
In other news, I stayed up until 2:30am (maybe closer to 3?) last night. I blame my teacher friends who have nothing to do and nowhere to be in the summer. Though I may have instigated some of the madness, which included The Breakfast Club, cinnamon rolls, and pillow fights. This morning I rolled off of Amy and Lauren's couch at 6:15ish and dragged myself home to get ready for work. My normal route changed a tad, as I decided Hastings was a necessary stop for caffeine before the workday began.
Before the movie and craziness, Lauren and I ran two miles last night. Then we got excited and started looking up races for after the 5K we're planning for September. We both want to run a marathon someday, and decided that we might as well do it somewhere fun. We're shooting for Rome, Paris, or the Gold Coast (Australia) in 2011. We figure that we might as well make a vacation out of it. Amy's in for the trip, though maybe not the run.
Hi, my name is Carolyn, and I'm a recovering couch potato.
(Also, my apologies for the rambly weirdness of this post. I haven't had enough sleep to clean it up or make it entertaining. Much love.)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I often warn people...
...that I don't have a filter. I don't swear much or say inappropriate things. But I'm sarcastic and quick to speak. My thoughts regularly roll off my tongue before I can consider their impact. I seldom speak with ill-intention, and yet my words can be cutting, especially to those who aren't used to me.
I don't want people to have to get used to me to like me. I don't want to hurt people with my words. I don't want to hide my heart behind sarcasm. I don't want to use wit and humor as a constant ply for attention.
And I really really really don't want sarcasm to be the first thing people think of when they think of me.
Thus, I'm launching a grand experiment: One week. No sarcasm. A fee of a dime for each time I slip. Payable to...the offering plate at church.
And.....go!
I don't want people to have to get used to me to like me. I don't want to hurt people with my words. I don't want to hide my heart behind sarcasm. I don't want to use wit and humor as a constant ply for attention.
And I really really really don't want sarcasm to be the first thing people think of when they think of me.
Thus, I'm launching a grand experiment: One week. No sarcasm. A fee of a dime for each time I slip. Payable to...the offering plate at church.
And.....go!
Monday, August 3, 2009
I guess saying all I did...
...this weekend was sew isn't fully true. I also had my heart opened for the nation of Bolivia, a place I know nothing about. At all.
All I did...
...this weekend was sew. It was fantastic, though tiring.
And all I want to do right now is sew. I'd far rather be at home than here at my desk. I'd rather be piecing fabric together than stringing together a plan for the BC-LTRC in a disaster.
In 6 hours and 18 minutes, I'll be there.
And all I want to do right now is sew. I'd far rather be at home than here at my desk. I'd rather be piecing fabric together than stringing together a plan for the BC-LTRC in a disaster.
In 6 hours and 18 minutes, I'll be there.